Mirkwood Accounting
by Araindil
Summary: AU, humorous fic based off an excellent comedy show 'Good Morning Miami. Ch5: Aragorn gets addicted to gum and there's something about watches... Read and find out. Rated PG13 for language.
1. Prologue: The very strange beginning

**Note to readers**: May I present you with insert drumroll here one of the more idiotic fics you'll ever read! All the characters here are OOC and the whole story is AU. Just warning you all there is also the teensiest pinch of humorous romance...which _I_ personally don't count as romance. But just giving you a heads up.

_Some additional notes:_  
-This author is not responsible for any injuries due to extreme laughter, traumatization, severe twitchiness or any other ailments known to result from humor fanfictions. Enough said.  
-No character from The Lord of the Rings was permanently harmed physically or mentally in the making of this fic.  
-This fic is rated PG for mild swearing.  
  
**Disclaimer**: All Lord of the Rings characters, places, events and related items belong to J.R.R. Tolkien Copyright Trust. Nor do I own Gameboy Advance, games made for Gameboy Advance, and the weird creatures you bash up on the said games.

* * *

**Mirkwood Accounting**

_Prologue: The very strange beginning_

Ah, the breezy spring day; the flowers were blooming, the sun was shining, and the birds were siging themselves sick. It was just like every other day of that spring, and it was driving people nuts. Almost everyone loved a beautiful spring day, but enough was _enough_.   
  
And some people had just about had it with the wonderful weather. Especially Boromir, and his brother Faramir was next up in line.   
  
"Crummy weather," muttered Boromir. "Crummy sun, crummy flowers." He stopped pacing the room long enough to kick at an unfortunate chair. Glaring out the window at a tree full of birds just chirping away, he added, "And what's with the crummy birds?! I can't stand that tunless racket!! Aaarg!!!!"  
  
"It's not like you sing any better than those birds Boromir," Faramir said to him.  
  
Boromir glared at his brother. "Oh yeah? Well I'd like to hear _you_ sing better than me."  
  
"Oh Valar save me." Legolas put down the paper he was reading. "If I have to listen to the **both** of you sing, I am going to go stab myself right now."  
  
"Hey, that was an insult or I'm a ghost," Boromir said glaring at Legolas. The elf returned the glare, and within moments it turned into a staring contest between the two of them. Faramir stood back to watch. However, this did not last for too long before they were interruped - and of all people - by Arwen.  
  
"Hey, have you guys seen Aragorn around anywhere?"  
  
Boromir and Legolas immediately ended their staring contest, and they and Faramir tried their best to ignore Arwen. She wasn't the most popular person among everyone, and these three guys especially disliked her - for no apparent reason. Anyway, Boromir went back to pacing the room, glaring at things and pointedly excluding Arwen in his 'glare-fest'. Faramir suddenly became very interested in the wallpaper, and Legolas was left in the middle of the room to fend for himself. The elf couldn't think of any good escape, so he ended up putting on a blank expression and staring into space. Arwen marched up to the elf and repeated her question.  
  
"I said, have you seen Aragorn around anywhere?"  
  
Legolas fidgeted and ignored Arwen. She began to get really annoyed. Arwen reached out a delicate but strong hand and yanked at Legolas's hair. Really hard. This got her a startled and indignant yelp from the Mirkwood Prince, and Faramir eyed Arwen nervously and tried to edge farther away from them. Legolas rubbed his smarting scalp, and replied sulkily, "Well, it would depend."  
  
"Depend on what?" Arwen asked impatiently.  
  
Legolas fidgeted even more. (He looked ready to have a seizure if he didn't stop fidgeting...) "It depends on what you mean by 'anywhere'. Theoretically, it is impossible to tell you whether he is anywhere because in order to do that we would have to be everywhere, which we obviously are not."  
  
Legolas got blank stares from Arwen, Boromir, and Faramir. Arwen then shook her head and said disgustedly to Legolas, "You know, it's a wonder that you have so many fangirls. You can't even give a reply to a simple question with an answer that makes sense!"  
  
"Ouch, that was cold," Boromir commented. He now stood next to Faramir, who has discreetly 'edged' his way over to his brother. The two of them were trying to put as much space between themselves and Arwen as possible, without notifying her of their intentions.  
  
"Uh huh," Faramir replied. They stood back and watched Arwen continue to glare at Legolas. After several minutes, Arwen turned to Boromir and Faramir.  
  
"Why are you just standing there? Don't you guys have a life?"  
  
"No," they replied simultaneously. Then they looked at each other as if to say_ Wow, you don't either?_  
  
"Why am I not surprised?" Arwen sighed.  
  
They all lapsed into silence. Outside, the birds sang their little hearts out. The sound of birdsong grew steadily louder until it was all they could hear. Boromir, who looked as if he was ready to burst a blood vessel, opened the window and threw the nearest object - an innocent paperweight - at them. That did nothing except scatter one or two birds, and cause Legolas to object that _that_ was _his_ paperweight. This in turn caused Arwen to notice suddenly that Legolas was reading a newspaper and copying down phone numbers in a little green notebook.  
  
"What are you doing?" she asked.  
  
"Oh, renting office space," Legolas replied. His tone of voiced suggested that it was an everyday matter for the crown prince of Mirkwood to be renting office space in a little town in a totally different universe uncountable distances away from the said forest.  
  
Faramir blinked. "Office space?"  
  
"Yes," Legolas replied, flipping over a page in the paper. "I have been thinking about starting a small business for a while now. And since I was bored today, I thought it would be a good time to actually get it started." He smiled at them and went back to the newspaper.  
  
Arwen looked like she didn't know whether to laugh, or...laugh. So she laughed. "A small _business_? Since when did you think you could handle a _business_ elf?"  
  
Legolas shrugged. "Since I got the idea I guess."  
  
"It makes sense," Boromir said to Arwen.  
  
"So what's it going to be called? Thought of a name yet?" Faramir asked curiously.  
  
"Mirkwood Accounting."  
  
"Mirkwood Accounting?" Arwen asked incredulously. "What kind of a name is that?  
  
"There are businesses that specialize in accounting?" Boromir asked Faramir. The latter shrugged.  
  
"No clue."  
  
"You'd think the name of the business would attract mobs of fans, not potential customers eh Faramir?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
Arwen put a hand on her hip. "Who's going to work for you? I mean, who'd _want_ to work for you?"  
  
"I do not know who actually wants to work for me, but Theoden, Etrerlia, and Elrond said they would."  
  
"Father said he's work for _you_?!" Arwen shrieked.  
  
Boromir flinched and covered his ears at the high-pitched sound. "Ow."  
  
"Yes. Elrond, your _father_, said he would work at my business - once I got it started. He has been quite bored lately with nothing to do and without any form of access to his library at Imladris, which is in a different universe." Legolas sighed. "I really miss home sometimes," he added wistfully.  
  
"Oh please don't get homesick _now_," Faramir said hastily. "And who's Etrerlia? That's not a name I've heard of before."  
  
"Etrerlia is a friend of mine, I have been friends with her since we were little elflings."  
  
"A friend?" Faramir said teasingly.  
  
"A friend, not a 'special' friend, but a friend, as in you know, a friend. Buddy, pal, chum. That's all."  
  
"Mmm...really." Boromir arched an eyebrow and his eyes twinkled in amusement  
  
"Oh shut up you psychotic Ring-consumed creton." Legolas didn't even try to hide his annoyance at the Gondorian.  
  
Boromir frowned as he tried to figure out if he had been insulted. He couldn't quite comprehend the meaning of 'creton', but from the tone of Legolas's voice, he decided that it was an insult. "That was an insult."  
  
"No really," Legolas replied sarcastically.   
  
Before this turned ugly, Aragorn walked into the room. "Hello everyone. Hey Legolas, I heard you were starting a business."  
  
"Aragorn," Arwen said her voice dripping with honey. Disgusting. She sidled up to him and batted her eyelashes. "Hello."  
  
"Hi Arwen," Aragorn said absent mindedly. "So, this business of yours Legolas, what's it all about anyway?"  
  
"Oh, it's an accounting business."  
  
"Accounting business?"  
  
"Yes, accounting."  
  
"That sounds neat. So, are you hiring yet?"  
  
Arwen's mouth dropped open. Was Aragorn offering to work for the elf's business?! She couldn't believe her pointed-ears.  
  
"Well, yes," Legolas said. "Why?"  
  
"Can I apply for a position? I've been getting really bored lately, and this business of yours sounds great."  
  
There was an audible gasp and then a _thump_. They all turned and saw Arwen lying on the ground in a limp heap. She had fainted from shock.   
  
------  
  
In the end (which is not really the end but the end of the beginning), Legolas got his business started, and it did pretty well. Not so many fans came as Boromir had suspected, only a few, which were quickly scared off by Aragorn's pointy sword. Theoden, Elrond, Aragorn, and Etrerlia came and worked there. Eowyn also came, and so did Arwen (mostly because her beloved was there). Boromir decided to take a four month vacation to Norway, of all places. Faramir just got himself a GameBoy Advance and a couple of games, and stayed home all day killing time by bashing up turtle-dudes, firebreathing flowers, mushroom-thingies along with other weirds things on voilent little kiddie games. So everything was nice and peaceful. And then Legolas just had to upset the balance of everything by gettting a crush on Arwen...

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End of the very short and strange Prologue. Knowing me the AN's were longer than the actual chapter. **::**cough**::** Reviews welcomed, flames also welcomed. Thank you all for reading. 


	2. If it's not one thing it's a grandmother

**Disclaimer**: All Lord of the Rings characters, places, events, and related items belong to J.R.R. Tolkien Copyright Trust.

**Mirkwood Accounting**

_Chapter One: If it's not one thing, it's a grandmother_

It was late morning, and at Mirkwood accounting that was generally a period of little work as everyone was getting ready to go to lunch. Legolas walked into the building humming happily to himself. Seeing Etrerlia at the computer typing, he called out cheerfully, "Hey 'Li 'Li!"

"Hey queer queer." Etrerlia didn't even look up as she typed away.

Legolas paused, then resumed walking toward his original destination - the coffee maker. "So, what are you typing up?"

"I am making a list of 'Who's-who' for the employees and putting it up in the front lobby with rubber cement."

"A list of 'Who's-who'? And why rubber cement?"

"Rubber cement because we ran out of tape - Theoden's been playing with it. And the list is because people are forgetting what their jobs are. Like earlier Theoden started thinking that Eowyn was the receptionist, then Arwen heard and accused Eowyn of something along the lines _Stealing my man wasn't enough for you so now you're out to get my job!_ The two of them started bickering. They were at it for hours. And yesterday Elrond, during some weird period of mental imbalance, thought that he was the janitor and went around the whole place emptying trashcans."

"Oh." Legolas raised an eyebrow. "So how much have you gotten done with this list of yours?"

"I'm almost done." She finished the line _Etrerlia: Secretary/Treasurer_, and hit enter. Etrerlia looked up to see Legolas standing there with a coffee mug in his hand and not moving. She read aloud while typing. "Legolas: nosy elf who is standing holding his coffee instead of getting to work like he should be." She gave him a pointed look. He took the hint and went to his office, carrying his mug of coffee and humming. A few seconds later, he came back and sat down at a vacant computer next to Etrerlia.

"I forgot, my computer's busted." He switched on the computer, and started humming again. Etrerlia looked over at him.

"Why are _you_ so cheerful today?" she asked.

"Oh nothing," he replied. He pretended to work. Then he turned to Etrerlia with a goofy smile on his face. "Well actually, Galadriel came for a tour of Mirkwood Accounting this morning. She said she wanted to see where her graddaughter was working. Arwen, Aragorn and I gave her a tour, had a nice chat, and get this," He leaned closer to Etrerlia. "She really liked me."

"Oh, so you figured that if you can't be Arwen's husband at least you could be her grandpa." Etrerlia said sarcastically. "I see."

Legolas stared at her. "No. Galadriel liked me better than Aragorn, as in she can't believe Arwen would fall for _him_ when there's this cool, handsome, charming guy right in front of her." By then, Legolas was grinning like a demented elf.

"You must be hallucinating." Etrerlia looked slightly concerned. "Oh no, did you eat that brownie I hid in the corner of the microwave?"

"Uh, no. But seriously, Galadriel is probably trying to talk Arwen out of liking Aragorn, and getting her hooked up with me." Legolas grinned.

"Did _she _eat my brownie?"

"No...Etrerlia, what's with the brownie anyway?"

Before Etrerlia could reply, Arwen stormed in, closely followed by Aragorn. Arwen immediately went over to the coffee maker and began making herself a cup. She pointedly ignored Aragorn.

"Look, I'm sorry okay?" Aragorn said to her in exasperation. "It's not my fault she didn't like me, I mean, she was _so_ onto my case!"

Arwen whipped around to face him. "Oh yeah, I'm _so_ sure. Grandmother was really onto your case now wasn't she? And what, she was like attacking you with small-talk."

"Ok, ok, I"m sorry. What more do you want?"

"Why couldn't you have given her a better impression? At least you could have made her laugh."

"I tried! She didn't get my jokes!" Aragorn said.

Arwen chose to ignore his comment. "I mean, Legolas made her laugh! And he's not even that funny," Arwen said gesturing toward the elf.

"Hey, have you heard my Whitney Houston imitation?" Legolas said defensively at the comment that he wasn't funny.

"Valar, if I have to hear **that** again I swear I will have you hung from the pinnacle of Orthanc by your Withney Houston toes." Etrerlia glared at Legolas. She seemed to conveniently have forgotten that Orthanc - along with its pinnacle - was still in Middle Earth, a totally different universe.

Aragorn sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "I'm just really sorry Arwen. We both know that I have problems, I used to have a great career and everything, and then the alcohol addiction thing and it all went down the drain. I'm not at my best right now, but I promise I'll try harder."

Arwen shook her head. "You've told me that already. twenty-seven times."

"But you know-"

"No!" Arwen cut Aragorn off. "No. I don't want to hear anymore about your problems! I've heard enough about how you're a past-alcoholic, and I don't care about how good your television career was or who you were better than on CNN! If you really care about me you would do more than just talk; you'd actually do something. Otherwise there is no way this relationship will work."

Arwen turned on her heel and swept out of the room. Aragorn gazed after her with mournful eyes. He blew out a resigned breath, then also left. Etrerlia and Legolas watched them leave.

"Wow," Etrerlia said to Legolas. "Can you believe that?"

"Yeah. Who's he better than on CNN?"

---

"Oh, Theoden."

Eowyn of Rohan had just walked into the copier room with a stack of papers to copy, only to find her uncle tied to the equipment: his tie was caught in the copier.

"What happened now?"

Theoden was lying bent over on the copier with a rather resigned look on his face. He turned his head to face Eowyn.

"I was making photocopies of my hand, and I underestimated the vacuum power of a LightSpeed 3000, so here I am."

Eowyn sighed. "Why don't I go call a repair guy to help." She turned to leave.

"It's okay, I already did."

"Oh, then that's all set."

"Yeah," Theoden said. "He should be here sometime between 2 and 4...Monday or Tuesday."

"Theoden, it's Friday," said Eowyn. "Look, why don't you just cut the tie?"

"No! No!" cried Theoden. "My wife gave this tie to me, I...I can't cut it. It will sever me from her." He looked ready to cry.

"Theoden, auntie has given you plenty of other stuff. And among all that stuff there is another tie just like that one. You can go get it - after you cut this one."

"But she gave it to me. It has emotional value!"

Eowyn rolled her eyes. Then she put up her hands. "Okay uncle, no need to get agitated over this. Here." She picked up a pair of scissors and laid them on the copier. "I'll leave these here, and when you feel you are ready, you can cut the tie, okay?"

"Okay."

---

Legolas walked out of his office whistling. "Hey Etrerlia? Etr-" He stopped when he saw Galadriel sitting at his secretary's desk instead of the secretary herself. Etrerlia had left for lunch. "Oh, Lady Galadriel."

Galadriel smiled at him. "Hello Legolas, I was just waiting here for you. Aragorn, Arwen and I had made reservations for luncheon today, but we cannot find Aragorn. So I was wondering, would you like to join us?"

Before Legolas could reply, Arwen walked in talking on her cell phone. "Oh, okay, bye honey." She clicked it off. "Grandma, Aragorn can't make it to lunch, so we'll have to go alone..." She stopped when she saw Legolas. "Legolas, uh...hi."

"Hello," Legolas said a little squeakily.

"Arwen dear," Galadriel greeted her granddaughter. "I was just asking Legolas to join us for luncheon, and..." She looked at him, waiting for an answer.

"Oh, I'd _love_ to." Arwen raised an eyebrow. Legolas blushed and ushered them outside. "I'll drive."

---

"You dyed your German Shepherd purple?" Legolas asked incredulously. He, Arwen, and Galadriel were at a very elegant restaurant and were in the middle of their meal.

Arwen smiled slightly. "No, I gave her purple highlights."

Legolas shook his head. "Still, you dyed your German Shepherd purple."

"No, I gave her purple highlights...and permed her tail..." She smiled at Galadriel. "...And put on some lipstick."

"Why?" Legolas asked.

"Well, she nearly got run over by a truck, so she was pretty down. I wanted her to feel pretty so I gave her purple highlights." Arwen smiled again and took a dainty bit of her barely touched salad. Legolas suspected she was dieting, but why he had yet to figure out since she was already very thin.

Galadriel shook her head. "Sweetheart, that poor dog _threw_ herself under the truck."

Arwen looked indignant. "Gertrude did _not_. Anyway, excuse me for a moment." Arwen left for the ladies' room.

"Isn't she a charming girl," Galadriel said to Legolas after Arwen had left.

"Yeah," he replied dreamily.

Galadriel folded her hands and looked at him. "So, how long have you been in love with my granddaughter?"

Leagolas paused and blinked. "What?" he said for lack of any other response to the unexpected question.

"How long have you been in love with my granddaughter?"

"What?"

Galadriel looked upwards in exhasperation. "How long have you been in love with my granddaughter?"

"What?"

"How's your chicken?"

"Delicious."

"How long have you been in love with my granddaughter?"

"What?"

"Legolas!"

"Yes?" he squeaked. Galadriel's eyes were getting freaky and she was starting to glow with a greenish light. Not a good sign.

Galadriel went back to her normal self gave him a pointed look.

"Is it that obvious?" Legolas asked shrinking in his chair.

"Oh, trust me, a Ringbearer knows. Like I knew Boromir was going to die when the Fellowship first set foot in Lothlorien."

"How could you tell?"

"Well, for one thing there always has to be someone who dies to make a story interesting, and also I looked into the Mirror and saw him going over Rauros in a boat - dead."

"No, I mean about me."

"Ah that. It's partly the fact that you light up when she's around, and being able to read minds comes in handy too." Galadriel gave him a smile.

"Oh." Legolas felt like an idiot.

"But I think you're a great match for my granddaughter."

Legolas lit up like Rudolph's nose (only without the red light part). "Really? So you think I have a shot?"

"Oh," Galadriel laughed airily. "Valar no."

"Well...why not?"

"Because you're not an alcoholic," Galadriel said matter-of-factly. "It's a pattern in my family. You see, my mother married an alcoholic, and Celeborn is an alcoholic too." Galadriel paused for a moment, thinking. "My second cousin married a cocaine addict, but then again she was always trying to one-up me. Anyway, Arwen can't possibly get together with you since you're not an alcoholic. My granddaughter is going to marry an alcoholic, because that's the pattern."

"But it's just a pattern," Legolas tried to reason with her.

"Which runs very strongly in my family."

"But it's your granddaughter-"

"Who is caught up in the pattern."

"But it's still just a pattern, not shackles of mithril! Arwen can break free of the pattern!" Legolas cried. He added timidly, "Can't she?"

"Well, usually the more you try to fight it, it just speeds up the inevitable."

"How so?"

"You see, we're suckers for apologies. We try to make the guys perfect, they fail, we get mad, then comes the 'I'm sorry' speech and we say, 'Honey, I understand.' And there you go. Pattern."

Legolas thought for a moment. "But I'm perfect for her..."

Galadriel smiled at him. "Yes...you are."

"And I have this whole two phase process worked out. First, I wait. Then..." He paused. "Well, I haven't figured out phase two yet."

"Hmm..."

At that moment Arwen walked back to their table. "Hi, what are we talking about?"

"Oh, nothing," Legolas said quickly.

"Hmm..." Arwen said as she sat down. "Any particular type of nothing?"

"No, no..." Legolas said, wondering how many types of nothing there could be.

"Interesting." Arwen picked up her fork and continued to nibble daintily at her salad.

All three of them looked up at the sound of footsteps approaching their table. Aragorn stood there, looking awkward.

"Aragorn," said Galadriel. "I'm...glad to see you."

"No you're not," Aragorn replied. He sighed. "But that's alright. I came to apologize to Arwen, to say that I'm really, truly sorry - for everything. I know and you know that I have problems, but I know that I hide behind them as well, and that's wrong. I will try harder to become the man you want me to be, so if you could just give me one more chance, I'll swear to try and make it the last."

Galadriel wore a tender and caring expression. "Oh honey, I understand."

Legolas gawked at her.

Arwen got up and faced Aragorn. Her expression was soft. Then she shook her head. Her eyes were hard. "You are getting _so_ good at that speech. Only you shouldn't use it so often." She turned and walked off saying to Galadriel, "I'll see you later Grandma."

Aragorn called after her, "Arwen, wait!" before following her out.

This left Legolas and Galadriel at the table. Galadriel looked at Legolas and said, "I think it's time for phase two."

Legolas nodded enthusiastically. "Great!" he said. "What is it?"

---

"Theoden?"

Theoden was still stuck on the copying machine when Eowyn came in again. "Yes Eowyn?"

"I just came to let you know that I'm the only one who knows you're here, and I'm leaving for weekend."

"Well, have fun... and out of curiosity, where are you going?"

Eowyn shrugged. "Oh I don't know. There are so many possibilities when one is not stuck to a large white office appliance."

"Mmm...right..."

Eowyn was frustrated and exhasperated. "Uncle, you are_ literally_, **tied** to a relationship that no longer exists! Auntie isn't going to spring back to life and be moved by the fact that you kept that tie all these years! Come on, you'll find another woman! I mean, you're kind, you're brave, and you're..." Eowyn fumbled for the words."You're - not hard on the eyes."

"Oh yeah?" Theoden shifted the best he could to face his neice. "Tell me then, body-wise what's my best feature?"

Now Eowyn was annoyed. "Your boots! Now cut the tie!" she cried gesturing at the pair of scissors lying in front of his face.

Theoden drew a breath and released it. "Okay, here goes." He picked up the scissors, took another deep breath - and cut the tie. The scissors clattered to the floor as he dropped them and stood up. It suddenly seemed that he grew taller and younger; he was the proud kind of Rohan once more. He smiled at his neice. "I'm a new man," he whispered. "Thank you, Eowyn."

Eowyn embraced him. "I'm proud of you uncle." She released Theoden and patted him on the shoulder. "Now go do something useful and _safe_." She waved as she left. "And don't get stuck in the copying machine again!"

Theoden waved back as Eowyn disappeared from view. He said to no one in particular, "Today, Theoden of Rohan regained his pride and honor." He looked at the severed tie around his neck and unfastened it. "He is truly a new man." He tossed the tie to the ground. As he was about to leave the room, a thought crept back into his mind. Looking about to see that no one was around, he quietly closed the door to the copier room. Moments later, he was making photocopies of his hand again.

* * *

AN: Tada! I hope no one finds this too stupid... : ) And I apologize that Elrond has not appeared yet, but he'll be there in the next chapter...hopefully. 

_Review(s):_

**strider7901**: Glad to hear this story kept you interested, especially since you don't seem to like AU fics. That's a high compliment for me. I'm also glad you found this funny, thank you!


	3. The way to Arwen's heart?

**Mirkwood Accounting**

_Chapter 2: The way to Arwen's heart?_

"Hey Legolas?" Arwen stood in the doorway of Legolas's office smiling, and looking a little unsure.

"Hi Arwen," Legolas said. He sat up straighter in his chair and tried to look casual. "What's up?"

"Well..." Arwen looked unsure of how to start. "Okay, so I was wondering, are you dating anyone?"

"Nope, totally single." He then added eagerly, "Why, what happened?"

"Oh, nothing, well it's just that..." Arwen trailed off and shrugged her shoulders. She attempted to use her telepathy powers to communicate, but unfortunately she possessed none and therefore Legolas did not receive the telepathic message. However, he had a pretty good idea of what she was going to say.

"Let me guess, you have a friend and you want me to date her?" Legolas sighed mentally as he said this. He sank back down in his armchair.

Arwen looked impressed. "Wow, how'd you know?"

Legolas shook his head. "My life doesn't work the other way."

"Her name is Caliriel," Arwen said quickly with a smile. "She is awesome! And-"

Legolas held up a hand to cut Arwen off. "Look Arwen, it sounds great and all, but I'm not crazy about set-ups."

Arwen's smile faded "Oh, that's too bad." She looked rather put out. "We would have had so much fun."

Legolas bolted upright in his chair. "Oh, you're coming too," he said trying to appear casual and failing utterly.

"Yeah, we double-date. I don't see her too often these days now so I thought..." Arwen cut herself off. "But if you don't like set-ups that's fine." She turned to leave. Legolas quickly got up and walked over to stop her.

"Whoa, whoa, wait." Arwen stopped as Legolas continued talking. "I don't liked set-ups but I know they're good for me..." Arwen gave him a look that said What? "Well, you know, like soy-milk."

"Soy-milk," Arwen said evenly, trying to decide whether to take him seriously or walk off.

"Well, you know...soy-milk is high in protein, low in fat..." he paused slightly. "...and apparently eases the symptoms of menopause in Asian women..." He shrugged at Arwen.

"Right...Anyway, so you'll come?"

"Oh, of course."

"Great!" a smile returned to Arwen's face. "Come to that restaurant where we had lunch with Grandma last week at seven tonight." She was about to leave, but at the last moment turned around and added, "Just don't talk about soy-milk okay?"

---

Later that day, Legolas met with Aragorn, Eowyn, Theoden, Elrond, and Etrerlia in the meeting room. The 'meeting room' was actually just a long table placed in a vacant corner near Legolas's office. Since there weren't many meetings, Legolas never bothered to get a proper meeting room - or for that matter, a proper table. That table they sat at was an old wooden one that looked ready to collapse.

"Okay young people," Legolas began. He said young people since he presumed he was the oldest there, being an elf. However, he had forgotten to reckon with Elrond and Etrerlia. The two now gave him death glares at being called young people. Legolas quickly corrected himself. "Er, I mean friends and elders." Elrond and Etrerlia cooled down and allowed him to continue without further glares. "Anyway, the town is funding a volunteer project to bring kind, encouraging messages to the disabled members of the community through television 'ads'. I signed us up because business has been pretty low for a while, and I thought this may help us out of the rabbit hole we have apparently dropped into."

"Ah, so the mighty boss finally noticed," Etrerlia said sarcastically.

Legolas chose not to hear her comment. "Our job is to bring a message to the deaf community. Now, I have assigned some positions, but please feel free to object or volunteer for any position. Eowyn, I want you to be the face of this project..."

Eowyn smiled, apparently flattered. Aragorn coughed and stood up and walked over to Legolas's side. "Uh Legolas, don't you think I would be a better for that position?"

Legolas glanced at a notebook he held open before him. "Well, if you really want to but you'll have to give up your weekend."

"Right, tell me how it goes Eowyn." Aragorn left the meeting. He wasn't about to give up his weekend for some lame project Legolas cooked up.

"Now for the producer..."

"Let me do it Legolas," Theoden said loudly as he stood up. "I've always wanted to do something for television."

Legolas blinked, slightly surprised. "Oh, well here's your big chance then! Theoden will be the producer. Now we need someone to do some research...Elrond, I think you would do well at this, since you are a master of lore..."

Elrond nodded, feeling pleased at being recognized as an elf of wisdom and learning.

"And the last position is...secretary work. In other words, notetaking and doing little extra things." Legolas looked around the table and saw that Etrerlia was the only person left without something to do. "Etrerlia, since you are already a secretary, I think you will fit this position very well."

"Oh, what fun," said Etrerlia, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "It's just what I've always wanted. Legolas, I don't want that position."

Legolas ignored her and her objection, much to the annoyance of Etrerlia. "This project needs to be done by Monday, so the weekend is going to be busy for the four of you. The studio next door said you could shoot the 'ad', or message really, there. I've covered the expenses. Any questions?"

"Nope," Theoden answered. Elrond and Eowyn shook their heads to also say 'no'. Etrerlia was not satisfied.

"I have a question: can I resign from my position?"

"No," Legolas said calmly. Etrerlia looked ready to stab him. 'Now would be a good time to get away from here,' Legolas thought nervously. "Well, good luck everyone!" With that, he rushed off as quickly as he could without looking like he was running.

"That elf is going to pay," Etrerlia muttered to herself. She then got up and also left.

As Elrond was about to leave, Theoden flagged him down to ask a question. "So Elrond, what exactly do you know about the deaf?"

"Well, apparently they don't hear very well," Elrond said. "You know, one of the elves at Imladris is tone-deaf. You should hear him sing, it sounds like a Nazgul with a cold!" Giving Theoden a brief smile, Elrond left.

---

Legolas got home to his house to find Mithae sitting on the couch reading newspapers. Mithae was middle-aged as elves went, she wasn't extraordinary beautiful, but fair enough with silver hair and grey-blue eyes. She was very tall, even for elves, and the thing that annoyed Legolas to no end was that she was a good three centimeters taller than he. The princling was used to being the tallest around everyone he knew, but Mithae was the exception to that rule. She was his 'adopted' aunt, or rather she was a good friend of Legolas' mother, and Mithae had appointed herself as Legolas's aunt. She lived with him, and that also annoyed Legolas to no end.

Sitting down in an armchair, Legolas picked up the Wallstreet Journal and began to read. A bad habit of both his and Mithae's was their tendency to comment thought out loud while readin the paper. "It is so pathetic," he said to the air while reading an article. "This country has spent millions every year to fund all sorts of charities, and still a large percentage of the population is unemployed and homeless." Legolas looked over to Mithae to see her reaction.

"It's tragic," she said. She put down her paper. "The Jets can never cover the spread and yet I _continue_ to bet them."

"Were you even listening to me Mithae?"

"No." She picked up another newspaper. "Are you coming to the track with me later?" Legolas groaned inwardly. For no reason at all, years ago Mithae had taken up gambling and become addicted to it. Now her 'work' was betting on racehorses at the track - with his money.

"I can't, I have a thing." Legolas continued to read his paper.

"What sort of thing?"

"You know, a thing; something came up and it needs someone to do something to take care of the...thing." As soon as the words dropped from his lips, Legolas wondered if he had ever said a more awkward sentence in his life and if he would ever say a more awkward sentence in his long years to come.

"Ah, I see," said Mithae with a smile. She went back to reading her paper.

Legolas lowered his paper. "What? What are you smiling about?"

"Oh nothing," Mithae continued reading and smiling. "You're so adorable when you keep little secrets - just like when you a tiny elfling back in Mirkwood."

"Oh for the love of good don't start telling me those stories you remember from when I was a little elfling," Legolas groaned.

"Then tell me what you're doing tonight."

"I have a date," Legolas muttered.

Mithae looked dissatisfied. "Fine then, make excuses, keep your little secrets."

"No seriously, I have a date."

Mithae looked at him in surprise. "Really? You have a date?"

"Yes, I have a date."

"So who is sit? Tell me about her," Mithae said eagerly. "How did you meet her?"

Legolas sat back in his armchair. "No, I am not going to tell you."

"Hey, we can do this any way you want little Mirkwood princeling."

Legolas was annoyed now, and the annoyance got hold of his wits before his common sense could. He blurted out. "Her name is Caliriel, and it's a set-up. We're double dating with Arwen and Aragorn." The commong sense now took hold and Legolas mentally slapped himself for saying what he said.

"Oh." Mithae got up and went to make some tea. "Well I think that is a _stupid _idea."

"What?"

"Trust me, nothing good will come of this," she said sternly to him. "I should know, I have the wisdom of an elf _twice _my age."

Legolas turned in his chair to face Mithae. "That means nothing since you claim to be an elfmaiden _half_ your age. So what you are saying is that you have the wisdom of an elf _your _age."

Mithae glared at him. "That's right, 3900." She left the kettle to boil on the stove and walked back to Legolas. "And I'm telling you right now this is a mistake."

"Well how do you know?" Legolas retorted.

Mithae threw up her hands in a gesture of hopelessness. "You're dating this elfmaiden whom you have absolutely no interest in just so you can be near Arwen for an evening, am I right or am I right?"

Legolas couldn't find the words for a moment. "Well, you have the basic idea, but the real point is that Arwen only sees the serious, uptight, businesslike Legolas at work. Now I can show her the cool, fun, dating out-on-the-town Legolas." He smiled in self satisfaction.

Mithae shrugged. "What's the difference?"

Legolas blinked for a few seconds. "Mostly it's the hair-style."

"Well I still say it's a mistake."

"But Arwen will see the whole night played through as a brilliant message of 'Reasons-to-date-Legolas'! How could that be bad?"

"So you're setting up a 'Legolas-ad'." Legolas stared at Mithae, unable to believe that she could be so single-minded about a certain subject. Mithae sighed, mentally gave the subject a stamp of HOPELESS and went to turn off the stove as the kettle began to whistle.

"See, this is why I didn't want to tell you." Legolas was annoyed. He picked up his paper again.

"But I'm giving you good advice..."

"Uh, nope. Quiet please, I'm reading."

"If you'll liste-"

"Uh uh, zip-zap-flip-flap. It's quiet time."

Mithae sat down with a cup of tea and picked up her paper. "Why any maiden in their right mind would want to date _you _is beyonod me."

---

Eowyn, Theoden, and Etrerlia sat at a table next to Etrerlia's computer as it was the only vacant space they could find at the moment. They were discussing, or about to start to discuss, the message to the deaf community they were supposed to be doing. Theoden sat in his chair trying to look professional. Eowyn was filing her fingernails, and Etrerlia sat with a notebook open before her, not bothering to try to hide the boredom and contempt she was feeling.

Theoden began speaking. "Okay everyone, we have two days to do this thing, so let's get started." He clasped his hands in front of him. "Now, this is a brainstorming session and feel free to toss ideas around. Remember, we've just started, so at this point there are _no _bad ideas."

Eowyn thought for a moment, then said, "I know, how about something like this: Deaf people, we deaf-initely love you." Eowyn smiled, very pleased with herself to have come up with the idea. Etrerlia raised an eyebrow and looked to Theoden. He sat motionless, thinking.

"Okay," Theoden finally managed to say. "Apparently there's one bad idea."

"Oh yeah?" Eowyn retorted, annoyed that her idea was shot down so quickly. "Well here's good idea for you: stop being so helpless. And I'd like to hear you come up with something better."

"Well...I..." Theoden fumbled for words. He cleared his throat. "Actually, I have an idea for this project - now I'm just spit-balling but here goes." He sat up straighter and began to act out his idea, or rather talk out his idea since he only spoke. "Deaf people, hi. And uh, thank you...for being deaf." Etrerlia wanted to cover her pointed ears from this idiotic rambling. Theoden continued. "I mean just not being able to hear, man that's gotta blow. Though maybe it isn't so bad, especially when there's this evil wizard's servant trying to corrupt you with his talk!" He smiled at no one in particular. He sobered and continued, "Anyway, to sum up. Sorry...hang in there, and...sorry again."

Etrerlia now wanted to bang her head on the table. She managed to control herself and looked to Eowyn to see her reaction. Eowyn was thinking. Then she said, "You know uncle, that is better."

"Yeah, yeah," said Theoden thoughtfully. "You know, I think I'm onto something there. Hey, Etrerlia, you took the notes so could you read that back to me?"

Etrerlia looked at her notebook where she had covered half a page in her handwriting. She read aloud as she continued to write, "I want to die. I want to DIE. Get me out of here. How did these bubble-heads get enough brainpower to keep their hearts pumping." She stopped writing and looked disdainfully at Theoden. "To sum up, I want to die."

Eowyn looked over at her with annoyance. "Hey smart elf, I don't hear any pearls coming outta your pearl-hole."

Eterlia slapped her pen down on the table. "Start with a black screen and in large white type write: A message to the deaf community from Mirkwood Accounting. Then fade miss horse-joy in as she signs the phrase 'you are in our hearts'." She picked up her pen and started writing again.

Eowyn and Theoden looked at each other.

"Not bad," Eowyn admitted.

"Yeah," Theoden added. "Hey could you write that down so we don't forget?"

Etrerlia ignored them and continued writing. "I want to die. I want to _die_."

---

"So I was wearing this blouse that day, and there was this stain, this huge splotchy stain on the back of it. And I didn't even notice until that evening when I took it off!"

There were chuckles around the table at Arwen's story.

"You wore it for the whole day and you didn't notice?" Legolas laughed and shook his head.

Caliriel smiled, but her pale green eyes remained unmoving. She was exquisitely beautiful as elf-maidens go, and she herself knew that for a fact. Her face was delicate and perfectly formed, her body was slender and graceful, and her hair was pale gold, but shone in the light. Still, she had barely been able to make Legolas even look at her for the entire evening. Not that she was truly interested in him, he wasn't very fair as many said he was, and he was wearing this black and blue diagonally checkered sweater which she found distasteful. Caliriel had never been interested in males anyway, she couldn't understand just what was so wonderful about them. She had come only because Arwen had begged her non-stop all day. And now the Mirkwood prince wasn't even paying her attention; instead he seemed much more interested in Arwen than her.

Caliriel wasn't vain, she knew that Arwen Undomiel was the fairest maiden ever to be seen on Arda since Luthien Tinuviel and that she, little Caliriel, could hardly hope to compare her beauty with Arwen. Still, Legolas should at least have the manners to pay her _somr _attention at the very least. 'And anyway,' Caliriel thought huffily, 'We all know that Arwen's not really _that _pretty, no matter what the other elves say.'

They were currently telling interesting or amusing stories, so Caliriel spoke up. "My grandmother suffers from Alzeimer's disease. Last year was her 4000th birthday. My family set up a surprise party for her, a really nice party too. We decided instead of having her walk in on the party, the party would drop in on her. So we did, but grandmother wasn't there when we dropped in! We were frantic, we called the police and everything to search for her. We found her, but she couldn't remember where she was or anything. The doctor said she probably just walked out the door and started wandering. She wasn't hurt, but it was a pretty bad scare."

"Oh, you poor thing," Arwen said sympathetically as she patted Caliriel's hand. "I'm glad nothing worse happened."

Aragorn nodded in agreement with Arwen. Legolas also nodded, but absentmindedly and his eyes were still on Arwen. After a few moments, he said to Arwen, "I still can't believe you wore it the whole day and didn't notice!"

Caliriel felt angered, but years of practice allowed her to calm herself. "Legolas, did you even hear what I just said?"

Legolas immediately turned to face her, feeling foolish. "Oh, yes. And I'm sorry about your grandfather."

"You mean my grandmother."

"Er, yes. Well, I'm sorry you lost her."

"No Legolas, we found her. She's still alive."

"Well, I'm sorry she's...getting old, so now she's...closer to getting even older." Legolas wanted to slap himself. In awkwardness, that sentence could probably rival the one he said earlier to Mithae.

Silence reigned at the table.

Aragorn sighed and stirred his soup. "For goodness' sakes Legolas, at least tell us when you're going to drop an awkward bomb. Are you _trying _to make us feel uncomfortable?"

"Oh he's not," Arwen said in Legolas's defense. "He was just trying to make me feel better after telling that stupid shirt story. I didn't think anyone would find it funny."

"A giant stain, and you wore it the whole day," Legolas said laughing to himself. He looked at Aragorn. "She didn't even notice!"

Aragorn cracked a stiff smile. "That's nice. And by the way Legolas, the clown in the plush velvet painting wants his sweater back."

Legolas looked down at his sweater. Caliriel coughed to disguise a giggle and Arwen shook her head while trying not to laugh.

---

"Hey Arwen." Legolas saw her at the coffee maker, and walked over smiling. "That was fun last night huh?"

Arwen turned and gave him a slight smile. "Yeah, it was rather like...having your teeth pulled while riding a horse." She went back to making herself some coffee.

Legolas stopped smiling. "You didn't have a good time?"

"No. Not really."

"But you looked so happy, like you were having a great evening." Legolas was confused.

Arwen nodded her head thoughtfully. "Yeah, a lot of us women have that ability." She turned away from her coffee and faced Legolas. "That was one of the most uncomfortabe dates I've ever had. You were ignoring Caliriel the whole night!"

"No I wasn't," Legolas lied in defense.

Arwen placed her hand on her hip. "Tell me what she does for a living."

"Oh, uh, she's a, uh...lawyer...actor..."

Arwen raised an eyebrow.

"A lawyer-actor?" Legolas said uncertainly.

"She's a medical researcher," said Arwen.

"Well, what a waste of a law-acting degree." The attempt at humor fell flat.

"Caliriel thinks you're vain and insensitive, and I don't blame her. I wouldn't want to date you." Arwen picked up her mug of coffee and left.

---

"Where are you going?" Mithae caught Legolas standing by the door with one hand on the handle.

"Nowhere." Legolas had the look of a dog caught stealing a bone.

"Uh uh, your voice says nowhere, but your shirt says you have a date." Mithae walked over to him smiling. Her smile disappeared when she got near him. "Phew, and your cologne says it's with a gay warg." She went over to the couch and sat down. "But where are you going anyway?"

Legolas came over and sat on the cough next to her. "I have a thing."

"I know," Mithae said dryly. "And apparently it's been doing most of your thing-king lately."

"Mithae, why do you always criticize me? You never have anything good to say, I don't think you even care about me."

"That is a lie." Mithae said forcefully. "I love, I care, and I expect nothing in return."

"Then what about the $3000 I've lent you to cover your debts from gambling?"

Mithae glared at him. "Two things: one, that is not the issue that's on the table right now. And two, I have a gambling problem - those aren't loans."

Legolas returned the glare. "Okay, fine. I have a date."

"Let me guess, your date is Caliriel, and you're double-dating with Arwen and Aragorn."

"Well, yes..."

"Why?" asked Mithae. "Why are you going again?"

"Well, there was an opinion out there that I wasn't as attentive to my date as I could have been," Legolas replied. "So after a certain amount of begging I got this second chance. We're going to the same restaurant at the same time as last time."

"So you othink that if you lavish attention your date the second time you can redeem yourself in Arwen's eyes."

"Yes." Legolas sighed. "Go on, tell me it's a stupid idea."

"I don't think it's a stupid idea," Mithae said. She got up.

"Really?" Legolas was surprised.

"No." Mithae poured herself a cup of tea from the teapot on the coffee table. "I think it's **beyond **a stupid idea! I think it's where stupid ideas go to be gunned down!"

"See, this is why I don't like to tell you things," Legolas said. "But I believe that tonight I will get things set straight. And I also believe that those were loans. Pay me back or I'm telling father."

With that, Legolas left. Mithae sipped her tea and shook her head as she watched the door slam. "What an oaf."

---

"I was planning to wear my forest green skirt tonight. So I went to the dry cleaner's to get it, and they told me they had lost it!" Caliriel said to Arwen. They were having dinner at the same restaurant as the last date. Personally, Caliriel wasn't particularly looking forward to this one. She had come because of the excessive begging Legolas had done and she felt a tad sorry for him.

Arwen shook her head. "Oh, that's terrible. Dry cleaners can be so irresponsible."

"They _lost _it?" Legolas's expression was one of utmost shock. "Oh I cannot believe that."

Caliriel arched an eyebrow. "It's okay, I didn't really like that skirt anyway."

"Oh, but it is still awful." Legolas still wore an expression of shock, now mixed with anger and sorrow. "For all they knew, it could have been from your dear, _living, _grandmother."

Caliriel and Arwen exchanged glances. Legolas continued. "By the way, how is your grandmother Caliriel?"

"She's fine, I mean, she's only 4000."

"Caliriel..." Legolas gave her a look that said _You're not telling the truth._

Caliriel felt that he was overreacting, or just insane. "No really. I mean, she forgets to eat meals sometimes, and she'll have to stop driving now-"

"Oh," Legolas rested his head in his hand. "Oh Valar how terrible."

"Legolas-"

"No. I know, it's awful."

Caliriel really thought Legolas was insane now. "She's fine Legolas-"

"No, no, it's okay. I understand."

There was silence at the table. Silence stretched on for long, uncomfortable seconds. Aragorn sighed. "Well, this has been an interesting evening. But I think I'm going to call it a night at -" He glanced at his watch. "7:25...Never mind."

---

"You asked me to come Legolas?" Arwen stood in the doorway of Legolas's office.

"Arwen, hi." Legolas got up. He clasped and unclasped his hands. "Look, I just wanted to say I'm really sorry about those dates. They were pretty bad weren't they?"

Arwen shook her head. "They were the most uncomfortable dates I've ever had. What were you trying to say? First you ignore Caliriel completely, then last night..."

"Do you think I overreacted last night?" Legolas asked timidly.

"You welled up when her noodles came!"

Legolas looked sheepish. "They were cold."

Arwen looked heavenwards. "She ordered **cold **noodles." Legolas seemed to shrink at this comment. Arwen continued. "Look, you're a great guy and all, but when you're dating you're not..." Arwen fumbled for words. "Well, you need to be more..." Arwen fumbled again for words. Legolas waited. Arwen gave up her fumbling. "You know what, I could show you."

"What?"

"Well, we could have a pretend date right now, and I could teach you as we go along!" Legolas nodded eagerly. "Okay, first, let's just assume hypothetically that you're romantically interested in me." Legolas wasn't sure what to say so he kept his mouth shut. "And now, let's say your office is the restaurant. Now, let's say you got here first, which earns you points already since that shows you're considerate."

"Whoa wait, why didn't I pick you up?" Legolas asked.

"Um, because...we met online, and we're twelve so we can't drive yet!"

"Right."

"Okay, let's start. I'll come in through the door." Arwen went outside and moments later reappeared. "Hi, so sorry I'm late."

"Oh, that's perfectly fine. Uh..." Legolas looked over his desk and found two packets of Post-Its. He picked them up. "I took the liberty of ordering us some Post-Its while I was waiting."

Arwen clapped her hands. "See, perfect! You used humor and you showed that you were thoughtful! Great! Let's continue."

Legolas beamed at Arwen's compliment. "Please, date, have a seat." He pulled out a chair for her."

"Oh, why thank you, date, I think I will." Arwen walked over and sat down in the chair before Legolas's desk. Legolas went over to his own chair and sat down.

He pulled out a couple of pens from his desk drawer. "Utensils?"

Arwen nodded smiling. After Legolas placed the pens before her, she said, "Now would be a good time for you to compliment me on my outfit."

Legolas paused as he looked over Arwen's outfit - a black vest over a crisp blue blouse and a navy blue skirt. A silver necklace gleamed at her throat. He gestured at the vest. "I have that same vest." Arwen raised an eyebrow. Legolas said hurriedly, "Sorry, I don't know much about clothing."

Arwen did some thinking. "Okay, here's a tip: take the adjective 'beautiful' and apply it to any piece of clothing I'm wearing."

Legolas nodded as he took Arwen's advice. "That is a beautiful necklace."

"Why thank you! My grandmother gave this to me."

The word grandmother immediately triggered a name in his mind: Galadriel. It wouldn't do to insult the great lady, so Legolas said quickly, "She has very good taste."

Arwen clapped her hands again. "That was great! Two generations, one compliment. You're good at this!"

"Alright! Legolas is in da house!"

Arwen paused. Her expression was between mirth and hopelessness. Legolas caught her expression and dropped the act. Arwen said, "Less street, more Legolas."

"Sorry." Legolas tried to act as much like himself as he could.

"Okay, let's skip ahead. We've had dinner, you ordered a dessert for us which we split. Needless to say, you kept garlic free and never once told me about some car commercial that you thought was funny." Legolas nodded to Arwen and made a mental note to himself about the car commercial thing. "Now we come to the part where you tell me what a great time you had and that you would very much like to date me again." Arwen settled herself to wait.

Legolas nodded. "Right." Then he seemed to sink into his thoughts.

Arwen smiled and waited. There were several long moments of silence. "Legolas?" Arwen prompted.

Legolas started. "Oh sorry. I was just thinking...and you have the most beautiful smile I've ever seen." Arwen nodded and continued smiling. Legolas went on, "And it's not just your smile, but your eyes. They're so beautiful...and they're like a gateway to a world that I've never seen. And I want to be part of it." Legolas stopped and held his breath, waiting for Arwen's response. He had no idea where _that _had just come from.

Arwen sat for a few moments staring at Legolas in a stunned silence. "Oh....w-wow. Well, I..."

Just then Aragorn appeared at the door. "Honey, we're going to be late for our yoga class." He saw Legolas. "Can you and your little pal continue your peer counseling session some other time?"

Arwen got up. "Coming sweetheart." She looked back at Legolas and smiled reassuringly. "You'll do fine Legolas, really. You have it all down. You're great."

Aragorn ushered Arwen out the door. "Come on dear, you're not doing the wheezing kid any favors by telling him he's going to make it to the Olympics." Aragorn gave Legolas a wave as he left.

Legolas waved back feebly. Then he collapsed in his chair.

---

"This message was brought to you by Mirkwood Accounting." The TV blared out the last few words and Theoden clicked it off. He turned to Eowyn, Elrond, and Etrerlia. The four of them were sitting in Elrond's office watching their message finally being broadcasted.

Eowyn smiled in self satisfaction. "I look _so _beautiful when I'm helping." She smiled again and went back to filing her nails.

"That was wonderful." Theoden looked at Etrerlia to see her response. She was writing in her notebook.

"It could have been worse," was the only response they got out of the elfmaiden.

Theoden turned to Elrond. "What did you think Elrond? Wasn't it wonderful?"

Elrond sat in in his chair in a traumatized silence. His eyes looked ready to bug out of his head and he sat without moving. Finally, he opened his mouth and two words came out, "Oooooooooooh Eru."

Theoden looked at him, puzzled at the response. "Oh Eru it was great?"

Elrond bit his lip and gave Theoden a scared look. "Depends on what you were trying to say. I sign you know."

"Really?" Etrerlia looked up.

"Oh yeah, high elven lords have to learn all that crap."

Eowyn got up from her seat. "What was wrong with it? It was a kind message to the deaf community saying _You are in our hearts_." Eowyn signed out the phrase again exactly as she had done in the message. She held the sign for _heart _as she smiled at Elrond.

Elrond raised a shaking finger and pointed at what Eowyn was signing. A word seemed stuck on his tongue. "T-that...isn't _heart_."

Eowyn, Theoden and Etrerlia looked at each other. "Etrerlia, who told you that was ASL for _heart_?" Theoden said to her.

Etrerlia shrugged. "I don't know. I don't sign, it just seemed logical."

Elrond looked at her with eyes wide in shock. "Well, you're lucky you got the other words right."

Eowyn looked Elrond. "So if it doesn't mean _heart _what** does** it mean?"

Elrond didn't seem to know how to answer. Finally, he managed to say, "It's lower."

"Knee?" Theoden guessed.

"It's higher."

"Lung?" guessed Eowyn.

"Lower."

"Thigh?" asked Etrerlia.

"Higher."

Theoden and Etrerlia looked at each other, Theoden had run out of ideas, Etrerlia was fearing the worst.

Eowyn made another guess. "Hips?"

"Center it."

Theoden and Eowyn looked down to see what Elrond meant. Etrerla sat down. "Oh Valar save us."

* * *

AN: chuckles That last part was kind of nasty, but heck, I couldn't resist putting it in. Thank you all kindly for reading! : ) 

_Review(s):  
_**l a y d e e:** Thank you for reviewing.

**FiRe-BabiiE:** Thank you for reviewing.


	4. Trying hard for the girl

**Note: **I apologize, but this chapter is not edited or beta'd; soexpect mistakes and contradictions.

**

* * *

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**Mirkwood Accounting**  
_Chapter Four: Trying hard for the girl_

Aragorn walked in through the front doors holding a basketball under his arm and with a smile on his face. Legolas followed looking rather sulky. As they got near Legolas's office, Aragorn turned to him. "So, loser, how do you feel about losing?"

"I'm not the loser," Legolas protested.

"Yes you are - loser."

"No, that game was-"

"Oh, I'm sorry, but I can't hear you over the 'losers'."

"That wasn't fair-"

"Fair said loser."

"You cheated Aragorn!"

"Ouch, I'm so hurt," Aragorn said sarcastically. "I don't know what to say - oh wait it's coming to me: _loser_." He tossed the basketball to Legolas.

"I so could have won," the elf muttered.

"No you couldn't have, you're barely half the athlete I am."

"I am as much of an athelete as you are," Legolas said indignantly. "Every aspect of my game is better than yours - running, shooting, jumping-"

"Jumping?" Aragorn looked ready to laugh. "Puh-lease."

"Yes jumping. And I"ll prove it." Legolas put the basketball down on the nearest desk. "Flat-foot take-off. You and me, right here, right now." With that, Legolas and Aragorn started jumping - up and down, up and down, up and down...

Aragorn jumped higher than Legolas, but a scant centimeter or so.

"Oh, look," he said between breaths. "Look how good your game is now."

Legolas grit his teeth and tried to jump higher.

"Come on," Aragorn said. He placed a hand up to show how high he had jumped. "Come one. Up here, up here."

That was how Etrerlia found them as she walked in. Legolas saw her. "Etrerlia," he gasped out while jumping. "You judge. Who's the winner?"

Etrerlia looked at them and said, "Believe me, there _are _no winners in this game." She went to her desk and left them to continue hopping up and down.

---

Three hours later Etrerlia flipped off her computer, having decided that she had done enough work for a morning. Wandering about, she strolled through the building looking for Legolas to get a ride to her favorite restaurant. Oh, she had her own car, but Etrerlia was too lazy to drive. She grabbed a donut and nibbled it as she searched for her quarry. She found him sorting through papers in a file cabinet in a neglected corner of the building. She strolled over to him.

"Hey hoppy," she said as a greeting.

Legolas looked up. "What do you want?"

"Drive me to lunch?" Etrerlia took a bite of her donut.

"I can't, I'm playing ball with Aragorn. I still have to prove to him that my game is better."

"Ooo, bad idea." Etrerlia sat down in an armchair next to Legolas. He crossed his arms.

"Why is it such a bad idea?"

Etrerlia assumed a half-lotus on the chair as she replied to his question. " Because there's not a woman in the world who;s gunna say Ohmigod! That man can jump so much higher than my boyfriend, I must have him." She looked at him meaningfully.

Legolas shrugged. "I'm sure there are some ladies who would be interested in a jump champion.

"Yeah, but they live in Australia and carry their young in pouches."

Legolas paused and raised an eyebrowt. "You've got a point there."

"Wow, you finally noticed," Etrerlia said sarcastically. "You've just won a 1000 night vacation with your hand!"

He looked at his hand with puzzlement as he tried to figure out what she was saying.

Etrerlia tried to talk sense into Legolas. "Look, an ancient Buddhist saying tells us: Sometimes the greatest victory is to simply walk away."

Legolas pondered for a moment. "Wow," he finally said. "That's deep."

"Oh, yeah. Buddhism gets you out of tons of crap."

Legolas rolled his eyes. "Why am I not surprised that you took to a religion that revolves around sitting?" With that he walked off to leave Etrerlia sitting in her chair.

---

Elrond shook his head as he went over to the dartboard to gather the darts. "Eowyn, I swear, you are the worst dart player I have ever seen! And I've worked with blind veterans."

Legolas walked in to find them before his office with a dartboard hung up on the door, and several little holes in the wood from when Eowyn had missed the dartboard and hit the door instead. "Uh, what are you guys doing?"

Elrond looked over at him. "Oh, hi Legolas. Since today's our free day for the month, we decided to have some fun with some dangerous Christmas toys." He motioned to a large box on a nearby desk. Legolas walked over and looked in.

"Baby's first razor?" Legolas said reading over the labels on the toys. Eowyn hid a smile at his surprise. "The toaster pool?!" Legolas wore an expression of shock. "Whose idea was this?"

"Theoden's," Elrond replied. "He was always getting hurt on Christmas toys when he was a little kid."

"What kind of dangerous toys was he playing with?" Legolas asked curiously.

Elrond thought for a moment. "Hm. Dolls, sock-puppets, books." He shrugged.

"Oh." Legolas blinked for a moment, then he composed himself again. "Well, I respect the fact that it's your free day today, but you have to get that off my door, because I still have to work today."

Aragorn came over. "Playing darts are we Legolas?"

"Well, yeah, I used to be a dart champion," said Legolas casually. "But I was just telling everyone that I'm busy today and can't play."

"Oh," Aragorn said. "I see. You're scared."

Legolas was about to reply with a remark that would have landed him in another competition with Aragorn, when Etrerlia walked by and gave him a pointed look. Legolas remembered their talk earlier. He turned to Aragorn with a calm smile. "You know Aragorn, sometimes the greatest victory is to simply walk away."

Etrerlia nodded approvingly with a smile.

"Where'd you get that from?" asked Aragorn.

"It's an ancient Buddhism concept," Legolas replied casually.

"Oh," said Aragorn. "Well, tell you what Dahli Lame-ass -" Etrerlia bit her lip and scurried away. "-I'll go really easy on you. Or even better, tell you what, we'll lower the board to your eye level, I'll throw from my knees. We'll play munchkin rules. _And_ I'll go easy on you."

"Go easy on me?" Legolas was ticked off. "_I _should be the one going easy on _you_." He gave the man a glare. Aragorn returned the glare. "Okay, let's play darts," said Legolas. "Eowyn, stop playing, we need those darts you're holding."

"Just one more," Eowyn said. With her tongue sticking out slightly in concentration, she took aim and threw the dart. Just as the missile was about to hit, the door opened and Theoden, who had been looking for some papers in Legolas's office, stepped out.

"Hey, Elro- Ah!" Eowyn's hand flew to her mouth in horror as the dart struck Theoden in the arm.

Elrond froze. Eowyn managed to keep her cool. "Now, nobody panic. Come on Theoden, there's a medical kit near my office." She held her uncle's good arm and started to lead him to her office. "Elrond, we're going to need you to give us a ride to the hospital."

Elrond managed to unfreeze in time to answer. "No can do, Eowyn. I've got a dentist appointment. Ask Etrerlia, she'll be free."

Legolas stopped them. "Whoa, wait a sec."

"It's okay boss," Theoden said reassuringly. "I'm not hurt that badly."

"I'm sure you're not. But we need that dart."

Eowyn stared at him incredulously, wondering if her boss had finally lost it.

---

Theoden, Eowyn, and Etrerlia sat in the lobby of the hospital, waiting. Theoden still had the dart stuck in his arm, as Eowyn was afraid of blood loss should she pull it out. That was why they were at the hospital. Eowyn was looking through her uncle's medical history and filling out a form. A nurse appeared. "Theoden?"

"Hi Millie," Theoden said getting up. "That would be me."

The nurse, Millie apparently, seemed to recognize him suddenly. "Oh, Theoden! I was wondering why that name looked so familiar. What's it gonna be today?"

Theoden gave her a wry smile. "Dart in the arm."

The nurse clucked her tongue in sympathy. "Well, you know where to go." She gave him a smile and left. Theoden walked off to wherever he was supposed to go.

Eowyn continued to read Theoden's medical history while Etrerlia fiddled with some plastic flowers on the table next to her.

"Theoden's had a heck of a lot of injuries in his lifetime," Eowyn commented as she read.

Etrerlia didn't seem interested. "Hmm..."

"You know, we should give them the phone number of someone he knows really well for the emergency contact, like a family member or something."

"Right.." Etrerlia was bored. She looked over at Eowyn. "Who do you recommend? You're the only living member of his family as far as I'm aware of, besides Eomer who's too busy to care about him."

"Good point." Eowyn continued to read. There was a long silence. Suddenly Eowyn looked up at Etrerlia with shock written all over her face. "Etrerlia, you're not going to believe this."

"What? Theoden has a spoon stuck in his brain?" Knowing Theoden, that wouldn't surprise her too badly.

"No," said Eowyn. "He already has an emergency contact, and...it's you."

Etrerlia looked sharply at Eowyn, not able to believe what she had just heard. They stared at each other for a long time. "You have got to be joking."

"I'm not. It says so right here." Eowyn handed the papers over to Etrerlia. Etrerlia quickly skimmed through them and found the emergency contact.

"That is _so_ much weirder..."

---

Legolas watched in apprehension as Aragorn took aim and tossed the last dart. He watched it sail through the air...and miss the bulls-eye.

"Oh, and that's not gonna do it!" he said gleefully. He had won the game of darts. "So who's the loser now?" he asked casually.

Aragorn tried not to show his annoyance. "That was not a legitimate game."

"It was a legitimate loser."

"You threw off my conce-"

"Threw off loser."

"It was totally-"

"Totally loser."

"I-"

"I think the word you're looking for is _loser_."

Aragorn stormed off in a huff. Legolas watched him go with a very smug look on his face. Arwen walked by, saw his strange expression, saw the darts, and asked, "So, been playing darts Legolas?"

Legolas jumped, he hadn't noticed Arwen. "Oh, hi Arwen." He tried to appear casual. "I was just, uh, playing a game of darts against Aragorn..." he shrugged, "and I won."

Arwen put a hand up to her mouth in mock surprise. "Oh wow," she said with a tinge of sarcasm. "That makes you, what, the dart champion of the entire company? Gosh, I'm _so _impressed." Arwen walked out with a scornful look on her face.

Elrond just happened to walk by and caught the entire conversation. "Nice going Legolas."

---

"Theoden?" Etrerlia walked up to him the next day. "I need to ask you something."

"Hi Etrerlia," Theoden said with an exceedingly bright smile for someon with his arm was in a sling due to a dart incident. "What do you need to talk about?"

"Okay, it's about your emergency contact. Why am I your emergency contact?"

"Well, you are a very kind and responsible person, and I thought you would make a great emergency contact."

"Theoden, I'm not the kind of person who would feed your cats while you're on vacation."

"But you fed my cats."

"No, you _thought_ I fed your cats."

"Oh... So _that's _why they bit me when I came back - I thought they missed me."

"Look Theoden, I can't be your emergency contact. I don't want to be your - or anyone's - emergency contact. Okay?"

Theoden looked crestfallen. "Well, if you really don't want to...it's okay. I'll find someone else I guess. I have...plenty of friends." He turned around to find the janitor emptying trashcans. "Hey, Don?"

The janitor looked up. "It's Doug."

"Right, Doug," Theoden took a breath. "How do you feel about touching a man for medical reasons?"

Doug stood motionless for a moment, his face wearing a decidedly blank expression. He replaced the trashcan and quickly left. Etrerlia shook her head.

---

"And he cheated," Aragorn said sullenly. "He totally cheated. I should have won."

Arwen rolled her eyes. Aragorn was leaning against the reception counter, telling her all about his little troubles. They seemed to mostly involve Legolas and the dart throwing competition today.

"Honey, don't you think I should have won?"

"I think you should get over it, like a good little boy," replied Arwen.

Legolas walked over. "Hey, Aragorn I was wondering if you want to go play basketball again this afternoon?"

Before Aragorn could reply Arwen interjected, "I'm sorry Legolas, Aragorn can't play this afternoon. He's on time-out."

Both of them stared at her. "What?"

Arwen turned to them with a very annoyed expression on her face. "Look, this has gone too far. You're competing for no reason! One of you has got to rise above this petty rivalry, and you'd better do it quickly." She gave them a stern look.

They pondered this for a moment. "Yeah you're right," said Aragorn. Legolas nodded.

Then they glanced up and said in unision, "I will." They glared at each other.

"I said it first," Legolas said quickly.

"No, _I _said it first." Aragorn turned to Arwen. "Honey, you judge. Who won?"

Arwen put her head in her hands. This was going nowhere.

---

"Ow...ow..." Theoden sat in his chair rocking back and forth. "Ow..."

Etrerlia heard him and came over to check what was wrong. "Theoden, what did you do now?"

"I ran over my foot with my rolling chair."

Etrerlia stared at him for a moment. "How do you even _do_ that?"

"I don't know, but somehow I always manage it." He glanced over at her. "It's okay, you don't have to worry - you're not my emergency contact."

Etrerlia shook her head. "You are so hopeless Theoden." She sat down across the table from him. "Look, I've been thinking about it for a while, and I've decided on something."

"Yes?"

"You're too helpless on your own. I'll..." Etrerlia sighed as she sealed herself to her fate. "I'll be your emergency contact."

A grin spread across Theoden's face. "Yes!" he cried and slapped his hand down on the table. "Aah!" He looked at his hand. "Tack!"

Etrerlia cradled her head in her hands.

* * *

Chapter Four, and that's a wrap people... Ooo, special eh? ::was meant to be sarcastic:: Whatever.The chapter'snot that funny because I'm feeling a little depressed... Sorry. 

_Review(s):  
_**l a y d e e**: Glad you liked the signing part. :) Thanks for the reviews!  
**lordoftheringsfanficreader**: Wow, thank you for all the lovely reviews! :) I'm so glad you enjoyed reading my ickle fic!


	5. Addiction and Misunderstanding

Note: Again, not edited, not beta'd...

**Mirkwood Accounting**

_Chapter Five: Addiction and Misunderstanding_

"Oh, c'mon Legolas, you've got to let me get you something! It's your birthday!"

Legolas rolled his eyes as he strode to his office with Mithae at his heels. At the door, he turned to her.

"Look Mithae, I already 'let you' buy yourself that new dress, necklace, and earrings. Isn't that enough for one day?"

Mithae fingered the shimmering folds of her new silver dress with a smile. But then she quickly got back to the present matters. "Oh, don't be so uptight Legolas! Tell you what, why don't you come to the racetrack with me today and we'll play hookie. How's that sound?"

"No," Legolas countered. "That would be _me_ playing hookie and you going to 'work'."

Mithae shrugged. "So?"

Legolas sighed. "Alright, why don't you get me that watch I saw while flipping through magazines last Saturday night." He thought about what he had just said. "Wow, that was my Saturday night. You know what, just get me a gun." He turned and strode into his office.

Mithae followed him. "I can't get you a _watch_. A watch is a romantic gift. Guns are for anniversaries."

Legolas turned to her. "How is a _watch_ a _romantic _gift?"

"It implies things," she replied. "You know, like, 'I really enjoy spending time with you', 'Thanks for the time of my life', 'Your wife only went to the grocery store, we don't have that much time'." She shrugged at Legolas's incredulous look.

"Where do you get this stuff?"

She raised an eyebrow and smirked slightly. "Life, baby, life."

"I won't ask," he said decidedly. "But, really, I've got a lot of work today, okay?"

"Aw, c'mon... Oh, alright. But look at you..." her eyes turned soft, "you're getting so much more mature, and it only seems like yesterday that you were a little elfling."

Legolas arched an eyebrow.

"Ah, heck, soon you're going to be old as me." With that, Mithae turned heel and left the building.

---

Etrerlia sat in Legolas's revolving chair while Legolas himself typed away at his computer.

"Solitaire or porn?" Etrerlia asked.

"I'm working," came the curt reply.

"Porn," she decided.

Legolas glared at her - and noticed that she was eating a large slice of chocolate cake. "What are you eating?"

"Birthday cake," she replied and licked the spoon. Oh, by the way, later your colleagues will be surprising you with _most_ of a birthday cake."

"Oh, wow, what a coincidence," he said sarcastically. "At the end of this week, I'll be surprising you with _most_ of a paycheck."

Etrerlia opened her mouth to snap back, but at that moment Arwen appeared at the door.

"Hey, Legolas? Are you busy right now?"

Legolas immediately sat up straighter and put on a smile. "Oh, hi Arwen. No, no, I'm not busy at all."

"Oh, okay. Because I'm part of the Local Greyhound Rescue Society, and since there's a big meeting this Friday, I was wondering if I could have the day off?" Arwen looked at him hopefully.

"Why, of _course_," Legolas said gallantly. "Take as many days off as you need."

Arwen smiled brightly. "Oh, thanks so much Legolas! You're the best!"

"Why do you have to be so _obvious_?" This was from Etrerlia, who had been listening in.

Arwen caught the comment and turned to her with a slightly concerned air. "Etrerlia, is there something wrong?"

Etrerlia in response plastered on her best fake smile. "Of course not. I think it's wonderful that you're trying to save the world, one arthritic racehound at a time."

Arwen apparently didn't catch her insincerity. "Oh, then that's alright. Bye Legolas."

Legolas waved to her as she left, then rounded on Etrerlia. "Why are you always so mean to Arwen?"

Etrerlia slapped her cake down on his desk with a _bang_. "It's because of the way she's always using you!"

"Using me? Uh, excuse me?"

She got up and crossed her arms. "She's always coming to ask for days off to go to this Society or that Meeting, and then always ends up at the beach. Just this month, she's already had two Fridays off. And how many have I had off?"

Legolas looked her in the eye. "Three, and two Wednesdays."

"Okay, they don't count as days off if you sleep through them," Etrerlia protested. "But that's not the point! It's that she knows she can ask for about anything and you'll let her have it. What kind of an attitude is that?"

"I could say your attitude is no better," Legolas countered. "Last Monday, someone put a sign on Arwen's back that said 'kick the pretty outta me'."

"Okay, one, it said 'kick the cute out of me'," Etrerlia corrected him. "And two, it wasn't me."

"Then on Thursday, someone stuck peanut butter in her sandals."

"First, they were flip-flops, and again, not me."

"Look Etrerlia, how long have we been friends?"

She glared at him. "What are you getting at?"

"What I'm trying to say, is that, just be nicer to Arwen. Say 'hi' or something instead of putting mayonaise in her coffee."

Etrerlia grinned at the memory. "It looks just like Half & Half."

Legolas gave her a pointed look. "At least _try_, will you?"

The grin disappeared from Etrerlia's face. "What are you? My nanny back in Mirkwood? 'Be nice to Miklara, she's far from home'," she said in mock imitation.

Legolas sighed. "Please Etrerlia. If only because it's my birthday?"

"Fine," she sighed. "And I'm taking tomorrow off."

He watched the door slam as she walked out, wondering how that little talk was going to affect the day.

---

Elrond and Theoden walked in at half-past ten. Late, but with an excuse: they had attended a wake the previous night.

Theoden sighed loudly.

"What's wrong?" Elrond asked.

"Oh, nothing I suppose," he replied morosely. "I'm just so surprised that cousin Winhelm died."

"Surprise?" Elrond's eyebrows rose. "The man was 104! His mother rode jumpers while she was pregnant with him!"

"Yeah, I guess." Theoden fished out an ornate gold watch and looked at it. "Ooo, look at the time, I'd better rush."

Elrond's eyes caught the watch. "Whoa, hold it, hold it."

Theoden paused mid-stride. "Yes?"

"Where'd you get that watch?"

"Oh, it used to be Winhelm's."

The Elven-lord's eyebrows were whizzing spectacularly. "Yeah, I recognize whose it - from Winhelm's _casket_."

Theoden took a small step away. "He wanted me to have it."

"No he didn't, he wanted _me_ to have it! He said so himself!"

"Well, why didn't you ever get it from him?"

"Because I didn't think you'd pluck it from his dead body!"

Theoden pocketed the watch. "Well, I guess the lesson we all learned here is that you snooze, you lose." He walked off quickly.

"I know Winhelm learned that!" Elrond said hotly.

---

Eowyn chewed on a stick of gum as she poured herself a fresh cup of coffee. It was quarter to eleven, and she felt she could use something to perk her up.

Aragorn, with the same thought, came over to make himself a cup too. He glanced at Eowyn chewing at her gum, and couldn't help but drop a snide comment.

"Hey Bessie, you wanna go easy on that cud?"

Eowyn paused mid-chew and glared at him. "Why does everything have to turn into a cheap insult with you, woman hips?"

Aragorn chose to ignore the comment and busied himself selecting a packet of sugar for his drink. "What flavor gum is that anyway?"

"Berry."

"What kind of berry?"

"I don't know," she replied in annoyance. "It came out of a test tube in a lab, it's red dye #6 berry."

Aragorn contemplated this for a moment. "You know, I never got into gum."

Eowyn stared at him. "What do you mean you never got into gum? It's like saying you never got into socks!"

"Can I have a piece?" he prompted.

Eowyn rolled her eyes and fished out a stick, but hesitated before giving it to him. "Hey, isn't it with you alcoholics that you just pick up a new addiction to recover from an old one?" She hurriedly retracted the gum. "Uh-uh. I'm not going to be responsible for getting you addicted again."

Aragorn laughed lightly. "Oh please, how weak do you think I am?" He took the gum from Eowyn, who was looking troubled, and unwrapping it popped it into his mouth.

He chewed on it. And chewed. And chewed. And chewed...

Eowyn was starting to look alarmed.

Finally, Aragorn took a breath. "Wow," he said shakily. "That's _good_."

Eowyn raised an eyebrow.

"Hey, can I have another piece? The flavor just faded."

"Oh, no," she said shaking her head, and starting to walk away. "You're not getting another piece."

"Come on, Eowyn," Aragorn pleaded. "One more?"

Eowyn was already at the door to the kitchen. "You already have a piece!"

Aragorn followed her. "Yeah, and I said the flavor just faded!"

As they left, Etrerlia came in for her mid-morning coffee. As she stirred in half a packet of sugar, she heard someone else come in. She turned to look and saw Arwen come in and busy herself making coffee. Etrerlia was about to drop a snide remark, then remembered Legolas's words, and forced a smile on instead.

"Hi," she said to Arwen.

Arwen glanced at her and smiled back, "Hello, Etrerlia."

Etrerlia fought to keep the smile on her face. "Nice... blouse."

Slightly surprised that she was being so civil, Arwen returned the comment, "You too."

"And your hair looks so..." Etrerlia fumbled for a compliment. "..._clean_."

"Uh, thank you," Arwen said. After a moment of silence, she added, "You're being quite nice today."

"Yeah I know," Etrerlia replied quickly. "And it's really wearing me out, how do you do this all day?"

"I do this because it's in my nature, but I know this isn't the normal you. I mean, last week you were putting peanut butter in my flip-flops and now you're being really nice."

"Oh yeah, and don't forget the mayo, it didn't spoon itself into your coffee you know."

Arwen rolled her eyes and placed a hand on her hip. "Alright, what's going on?"

Etrerlia shrugged, unwilling to let on that she had been forced into it by Legolas. "Oh, you know, I haven't really been all that nice to you in the past - with the signs on your back and the whole peanut butter thing - and I guess it's because I was jealous..."

Arwen raised an eyebrow. Etrerlia? Jealous of her?

"... and I guess I feel bad...ish." She shrugged.

"Uh-huh," Arwen said, not really believing her. "And so that's why you were mean to me this morning, and now showering me with compliments half an hour later?"

"_Okay_," Etrerlia said, her patience finally snapping. "You really want to know _why _I'm pissed at you? It's because of the way you're always manipulating Legolas to let you have days off."

She turned and left the kitchen. Arwen followed.

"I do _not_ manipulate Legolas!" she said defensively. "Anyone can ask him for a day off!"

Etrerlia entered her office and smacked her coffee down on her desk with little regard to wood or china. She turned back to Arwen.

"Sure, anyone can. But they should bring you in to close the deal!"

"What?" Arwen said incredulously.

"I mean, it's so obvious..." Etrerlia muttered as she typed away at her keyboard.

"What's obvious?"

"Nothing," Etrerlia said glaring at Arwen. "Now if you will please remove yourself from my office."

"Etrerlia-" Arwen started.

"Hey, if the peanut buttery flip-flops fit, wear them!"

At this, Arwen _hurumphed_ indignantly and swept out of the office.

---

Legolas glanced up from his typing and saw Etrerlia walk past. He hurriedly got up and called to her.

"Hey, Etrerlia. I need to talk to you for a sec."

The afore-mentioned elf-maiden rolled her eyes and stalked into his office, slamming the door behind her.

"What?"

"How did it go?" he asked eagerly. "You know, being nice to Arwen."

"You haven't talked to her yet?"

"No."

Etrerlia decided to see just how gullible he was. She put on a fake smile. "Oh, Arwen is _awesome_!"

Legolas's face lit up with a smile. "See! I knew you could be friends!" he said delightedly.

"Yeah, yeah, and you know how when she smiles and her nose crinkles up like-"

"Like an angel," Legolas said dreamily.

Etrerlia's smile slipped frationally. "Well, I was going to say piglet, but angel works. And-"

Unfortunatel, Etrerlia's masquerade was ground to a halt by Arwen's entrance.

"Hey, Legolas-" She halted abruptly as her eyes fell on Etrerlia. "Oh, Etrerlia."

"Arwen," Etrerlia replied through clenched teeth.

"Maybe this isn't such a good time," Arwen turned to leave.

Legolas immediately sensed the tension between the two of them, quite miraculous for his usual bumbling self.

"Whoa, wait Arwen." He strode to the door and closed it. "Arwen, have a seat. You too Etrerlia."

The two elf-maidens sat down stiffly.

"Now, I need to know what's going on around here," Legolas said, standing between the two of them. "All this tension is getting unbearable. And look, Arwen, if there's anything that's making you uncomfortable, you can just talk to me and I'll address the issue immediately."

"Uncomfortable?" Arwen's expression was one caught between scorn and bemusement. "I'll tell you what's making me uncomfortable, it's this whole crush thing that's going on around here."

Legolas's eyes widened in shock. Did she know?

Arwen got up. "If there's anything that needs to be addressed, it's that, Legolas."

With that, Arwen turned heel and left the office. Legolas was looking hurt and confused.

"Nice going, Leggy-boy," Etrerlia said sarcastically. She got up to leave also. "Have fun."

---

And hour later, Etrerlia was having her lunch at the office, along with another cup of coffee. As she stirred in the sugar, she heard someone come up behind her. The someone was breathing rather heavily. She turned to see Aragorn standing there, breathing raggedly and trying not to show his anxiety.

"_Anxiety over what?_" she wondered.

"Hey, Etrerlia," Aragorn said. "Can I have some gum?"

"You're chewing way too much for your own good," she replied. "It's going to have an affect on your nerves, you know."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Aragorn said sarcastically. "I thought I said _gum_, not _sanctimonious lecture_."

"You should stop bumming pieces off everyone at least. Just get your own pack."

Aragorn laughed, trying to sound light-hearted. "I don't need my own pack, I'm just a social-chewer."

"Well, you look stressed out."

"I'm not stressed out, I just want some gum. So, can I have a piece?"

"I don't have any," Etrerlia said shortly.

"And that," Aragorn said, chewing on his knuckles, "stresses me out." He thought for a moment. "I'm going to the newspaper stand. Miklara understands me."

The name rang a bell in Etrerlia's mind. "Miklara Baetsen?" she thought in shock.

---

Meanwhile, Legolas had decided to spend his lunch break at the track with Mithae, away from the office.

Mithae craned her neck and scanned the track. "Oh, c'mon," she called. "Move, you worthless piece of crap!"

"Mithae," Legolas asked. "Why do you insult the horses?"

"Horses? I'm yelling at the beer guy! He hasn't moved in half an hour!" She continued to look around.

"So, are you having a nice birthday?" Mithae asked absently.

Legolas flinched slightly, remembering the day's events. "No, not really."

"Why, whatever's the matter?"

"Arwen found out that I like her," he said glumly. "And she said it was making her uncomfortable. Now what do you suppose that means?"

"Not comfortable. Lacking in comfort. " Legolas turned to see that the speaker was an elderly man sitting next to them. The man shifted in his seat. "Like my underwear."

Mithae glanced at him. "Stay out of this, Arty," she said coolly. Then turning to Legolas, she said, "You know Legolas, you should just talk to her about it. After all, the bird's out of the sack, you might as well live up to it."

"But how can I talk to her? She said it made her uncomfortable."

"Well, you can talk to me then," Mithae offered.

"Yeah, but the race is about to start and you're not going to hear a single word I say."

At that moment, a shrill bell sounded - signalling the start of the race. Mithae sat up straight and watched eagerly. Suddenly, she remembered that Legolas had been talking to her.

"Oh, I'm sorry honey, what did you say?"

Legolas sighed in defeat. "Nothing." Then to himself, he muttered, "All I asked for my birthday from Mithae was a watch, and this is what I get."

Arty apparently heard his comment, for he sat up and gazed at Legolas in shock. "You asked for a watch from you _aunt_?"

Legolas opened his mouth to protest that she wasn't his aunt, then thought better of it. "What's wrong with that?" he said instead.

"That's _disgusting_," Arty said.

"Why?"

"Because a watch is a _romantic _gift!" Arty responded. "It implies that you want to spend _time_ with someone."

_Not the watch business again_, Legolas groaned inwardly. "Okay, then what _is_ an appropriate gift?"

Arty shrugged. "Underwear."

Legolas gave up on his lunch break then and there.

---

Etrerlia sat in Aragorn's office, curled up comfortably in his armchair, reading a newspaper and smoking a cigarette. Of course, Legolas had forbidden the use of drugs (including cigarettes) in the building, but it meant little to Etrerlia; though she usually refrained from smoking in the building. But today she felt she deserved a treat, what with trying to be nice to Arwen and everything.

So anyway, Etrerlia was smoking contentedly and Aragorn returned to his office. He only glanced at Etrerlia, not commenting on the smoking, then went to a mirror hung up on his wall.

Etrerlia looked up and saw a blob of a pale-pink something stuck in his hair. "It that _gum_ in your hair?" she asked incredulously.

"No, it's a sticky-hat," came the sarcastic reply. Aragorn pried at the blob with his fingers.

"What happened?"

"You nap, things happen," he said matter-of-factly.

"Well how-"

"Etrerlia," Aragorn cut her off, "I can't talk right now. I've had a lot of gum."

"Okay." Etrerlia went back to her paper and smoking as Aragorn picked at the wad of gum stuck in his dark locks. Finally, he got it unstuck.

"So," he said. "Never though you'd be crushing on Legolas."

Etrerlia snapped to attention. "_What?_"

"Oh please," Aragorn said lightly. "Arwen told me all about how you have a crush on him."

Something clicked in Etrerlia's mind. "Me? Crush on Legolas? Whoa whoa, so _that's _the crush she ws talking about?"

"Yeah, what else would she be talking about?"

"Valar." Etrerlia sprang up, tossing the paper to the ground. She handed Aragorn her cigarette as she passed, "Hold this" then dashed out to find Legolas and warn him.

Aragorn watched her go with a puzzled look. Then he regarded the cigarette. Shrugging, he took a pull - and promptly started coughing. Then the coughs subsided, and he took another pull on the weed.

"Oh, that's good..."

---

Legolas ambled to the kitchen for some coffee, feeling quite stressed out. He stopped dead when he saw Arwen already there and making herself a cup.

"Oh. Arwen."

Arwen whipped around. "Legolas!" she exclaimed. "Oh, I was just looking for you... Look, about that crush thing, I'm _really _sorry I blurted it out."

"No, it's alright," Legolas said mournfully. "Just, why didn't you ever mention it before?"

"Well, you're my _boss_, Legolas. I can't just say something that like that."

He shrugged. "Too late now."

"Actually you know, I kind of like it," Arwen said with a small smile.

"Eh?" Legolas's brain had not quite yet processed the information. But then it did and he looked at her in surprise. "Really?"

"Yeah, you know." Arwen shrugged slightly.

"Wait, but what about Aragorn?"

"Oh, he doesn't care," Arwen said lightly.

Legolas raised an eyebrow. "The bastard."

"He actually said it might be kind of fun to watch." Arwen shrugged again.

Legolas's eyebrows rose even higher. "The _sick_ bastard."

"So anyway," said Arwen smiling. "What's your next move?"

"Well, I don't know. What do you think I should do?"

"I say: go for it." She smiled at him.

Then before Legolas could move, a bagel flew through the doorway and smacked him squarely on the head. Etrerlia followed a moment later, skidding to a halt between Arwen and Legolas.

"Legolas," she said, dictating carefully and deliberately. "Arwen's right. _I _have a crush on _you_." Etrerlia glared at Legolas, mouthing '_Do something you idiot!_" and making sure that Arwen could not see her face.

"O-oh..." Legolas was quite taken aback. "Oh. O...kay." Then he turned and fled to his office.

Etrerlia breathed a sigh of relief, and turned to go - only to find herself face to face with Arwen.

"Why'd you throw a bagel at him?"

Etrerlia shrugged. "My man looked hungry," she said and left.

---

"I can't believe she actually thought that I would like you," Etrerlia said as she sat in Legolas's swivel chair. "That girl is crazier than a bum arguing with his elbow."

Legolas sighed. "Yeah, but still. I thought this would be the perfect chance to tell her, and now..." He sighed again. "Well, everything's still the same."

"Mm-hmm." Etrerlia propped her feet up on his desk and leaned back in the chair.

"Yeah. And speaking of that..." Legolas looked at her with a sideways glance. "You know Etrerlia, if I've ever done anything to lead you on..."

She snorted and swung her feet off the desk to stand up. "Oh, yeah," she said scornfully. "I'm so into this whole pint-sized dork thing you've got going on. I mean, it's like God carved you out of a block of pure geek and then protected his creation with a thick coat of fur. Yum."

Legolas shrugged, then sighed again. Etrerlia shook her head and walked to the door, but paused with her hand on the doorknob to look back at him. "You know Legolas, don't let it get you down too much. You'll find someone someday."

He smiled weakly. "Thanks Etrerlia, you're a great friend."

"Right, just don't depend on me. I'm not that kind of a friend." Then she left, slamming the door in her usual fashion.

Arwen soon caught up with her, but Etrerlia walked on to her office.

"Hey, Etrerlia..." Arwen said awkwardly.

"Yeah, what?" Etrerlia sat down before her computer.

Arwen twiddled her fingers guiltily. "Look, I'm really sorry about the whole crush thing. I know I shouldn't have said anything, but...you understand, don't you?" she said imploringly.

"Yeah, sure," Etrerlia replied indifferently as she shuffled some papers. "You know, you cry, you throw bagels, you get over it." She looked up at Arwen and shrugged. "No hard feelings."

"Really?" Arwen's expression was one of relief and joy. "So we're still friends?"

"Yeah, I guess." Etrerlia forced a smile on. "Hug?"

"Of course." Arwen smiled and embraced her 'friend', oblivious to the fact that Etrerlia took the opportunity to stick a sign on her back. She walked out of the office without noticing, not even when Elrond and Theoden passed by and Theoden openly stared at it.

"_Trip me and win a prize_," Theoden read aloud with a grin. He shook his head as they passed by Etrerlia who was standing in her office doorway. "Good one, Etrerlia."

She smiled a genuine smile.

Elrond shook his head, but said nothing. "Is Legolas in his office Etrerlia?" the elvenlord asked.

"Yeah, why?" she said.

"Oh, we've decided to give Uncle Winhelm's watch to Legolas for his birthday," Theoden said brightly.

"Yes," Elrond said soberly. "We decided that friendship was more important than a little trinket."

Etrerlia's smile slipped. "You're giving him a watch?"

"Yeah, why?" Theoden asked. "Is someone else giving him one?"

She put on a fake smile. "Oh, no. No one."

"Okay then. Later, Etrerlia." Theoden and Elrond strode off to find Legolas.

Etrerlia went back to her office, closing the door softly behind her. She opened a drawer in her desk and withdrew a small box, carefully wrapped with silver white gift paper. She opened it, and looked ruefully at the platinum watch inside. She glanced up at the bare white wall of her office.

"To heck with it," she muttered. Tossing the package into the wastebasket, she slammed the office door behind her and left for the parking lot, her car keys in her hand.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

insert triumphant music I finally finished! That last bit took SO long to write, don't ask me why. Well, hope you enjoyed! And psst, please drop a review or two, that'd be greatly appreciated, thanks...


	6. The Heart of the Matter

**Mirkwood Accounting**

_Chapter Six - The Heart of the Matter_

Legolas sat in his office, fidgeting nervously as he glanced from time to time at his answering machine. There was another one in a corner of his office, but he was more intent on the one on his desk. He pressed the 'play' button.

_"You have no new messages."_

The elf leaned back in his chair, twiddling his thumbs nervously. A few second later, he pressed the 'play' button again.

_"You have no new messages."_

He took a deep breath. And just sat there for about half a minute. Then he pressed the 'play' button again.

_"You have no new messages."_

He whacked the answering machine in frustration.

"Ah, c'mon Arwen," he said to the air. "Why haven't you called me yet?"

Now would be a good time to fill in some information. For the past three days, Arwen had been on a small vacation with Aragorn. Just before leaving, Aragorn had confronted Legolas, saying that he knew that the elf liked Arwen, and that he had better stay away from her or there would be trouble.

The couple had returned the day before now.

At the moment, the Mirkwood elf was highly stressed out - thinking that Aragorn probably would have told Arwen that he liked her.

And there was one thing that kept bothering him: Arwen had not called him yet.

Why wouldn't she?

There were two explanations: Aragorn did not, in fact, tell her. Or, he had and she was so mad or upset that she had not called him.

He frankly thought it was the latter, and didn't like it at all.

So now, back to the present with Legolas sitting at his desk, nervously watching his answering machine. And why was he waiting for the answering machine? His phone had broken down the day before for some reason, and would not ring. So he could only wait for messages. And wait he was. Not very patiently or calmly.

Legolas got up and paced around the office. His eyes fell on the other answering machine.

"Maybe the other one's cursed," he said to himself. He pressed 'play' on the corner answering machine.

_"You have one new message."_

He glanced back at the one on his desk. "Wow, it is cursed."

The message began to play. A female voice was heard.

_"Hey, Legolas! It's Arwen. Listen, Aragorn told me about the crush thing during our vacation. I'm just calling to say that I love _you_, and that I've dumped Aragorn. Also, I just won the lottery yesterday, and I've bought us a nice shack on the beach-"_

Legolas stopped the message. Far from appearing excited, his expression was annoyed. He went to his door and yanked it open. Etrerlia stood there, leaning against the wall with her cellphone in hand.

She looked bored, but also highly amused. "I guess the lottery thing gave it away, huh?"'

Legolas sighed exasperatedly and went back to his chair. Etrerlia followed him inside.

"I just don't get it," Legolas said. "Aragorn knows I like Arwen. He must have told her, so why hasn't she called me to at least discuss it?"

"Legolas, you _know_ why," Etrerlia said. "She doesn't want to talk to you."

He shrugged, not wanting to contemplate the bleak option. "Maybe she doesn't know my phone number."

"She used to call you every other week to ask for days off."

Legolas thought for a moment. "Well, maybe she's stuck under something heavy."

"She is!" It was Etrerlia's turn to be exasperated. "Aragorn!"

Legolas sank back in his chair, looking extremely deflated. Like someone had just popped his last happy bubble - which Etrerlia just had.

Etrerlia sighed impatiently. "Okay, Legolas, listen. There are millions of women out there, and somewhere somebody is gonna look at you and go... 'Alright'."

Legolas raised an eyebrow, apparently doubtful of that.

"Okay, okay," Etrerlia continued, "Maybe not just like that. But I mean, you'll find someone. Probably someone way cooler than you deserve. You should open your eyes."

Legolas smiled weakly at his friend. "Thanks Etrerlia. And hey, you'll someone too."

Etrerlia raised an eyebrow. Putting on a mock look of gratitude, she said, "Oh, gee, thanks Mom! Call me when the s'more are ready."

She turned and left the room, slamming the door as per usual. Legolas sighed and rested his head on his desk. On a whim, he pushed his answering machine off the edge of his desk.

After a minute, he got up and decided that a cup of coffee would make his day better. Halfway to the kitchen, he met up with Aragorn.

"Hey, Legolas," the man said. "Can I talk to you for minute?"

"Yeah, sure." Legolas wasn't quite sure if he wanted to know what was coming.

"Okay, it's about Arwen."

_"Oh no,_" Legolas thought.

"I told her," Aragorn said, "about your little uh, crush thing."

"And?" Legolas said tentatively.

"We had a good laugh about it. Now Legolas, I just want to tell you to stay away from her for a while."

"But-"

"And I wouldn't use words like 'but' in her presence. Just keep your distance, and let it be. Okay?"

Legolas nodded weakly. Aragorn clapped him on the shoulder.

"Good man. Well, later."

---

Arwen made her way through the building with her usual floaty walk, headed for Legolas's office. It was her first day back from vacation, but she wanted to ask Legolas to have next Wednesday off - there was another meeting of the Greyhound Rescue Society and she planned to be there.

As she neared her destination, Aragorn caught up with her.

"Hey, honey," he said. "Where are you going?"

"Going to see Legolas," she replied with a bright smile.

Aragorn's expression twitched slightly. "Oh, uh, I wouldn't if I were you."

She looked at him with a slightly puzzled look. "Why?"

"Because..." He fumbled for something to say. "...because Legolas has mono."

"Legolas has mono?" Arwen found that hard to believe.

"Yeah, yeah. Although, I guess, tecinically if you get it from kissing a man, it's _man_o."

Arwen put her hands on her hips, a bemused and annoyed expression on her face. "Legolas does not have mono."

"Oh, no, no. He does. " Aragorn was all sincerity. "I wouldn't go near him if I were you. Keep away for a bit."

Arwen raised an eyebrow.

"Please?"

She shook her head and walked back to the front desk. Aragorn could be so strange sometimes, but then again he was generally right. So stay away from Legolas she would.

She got out a small photo album, filled with pictures of her and Aragorn on their vacation. Smiling, she began to look through it.

"Hey, Arwen!"

Arwen looked up to see Theoden.

"Oh, hello Theoden," she said with a polite smile.

"Hi. Yeah, I was wondering if I could get a picture of you later for the annual employee yearbook? You know, just a few shots of you with the others."

Arwen raised an eyebrow. "We have a yearbook?"

"Um, well, I'm making one. So, just be here around two?"

"Sure."

Theoden beamed. "Great! See you then!" He turned to go but suddenly collided with someone: Legolas.

"Oh, Legolas!" This was perfect. "Hey, I was just talking to Arwen about pictures for the employee yearbook-"

"Yearbook?" Legolas racked his memory, but could not remember ever planning a yearbook.

"Erm, yeah. So, could you come by the front desk around two? We'll be taking some pictures."

And idea struck him.

"Hey, why don't I take a picture right now for a test? Here." He dragged Legolas over next to Arwen, and turned on his digital camera. "Arwen, just move a bit closer..."

Arwen edged away from Legolas. "Oh, no. I'm not going anywhere near him and you shouldn't either."

Theoden's face fell. "Why not?"

Legolas looked crestfallen, as if all his worst nightmares had come true. "Arwen, look I'm really sorry but it's not my fault-" The poor elf of course, thought that she was talking about him liking her.

"Oh, no," Arwen said kindly. "It's not your fault. You're sick."

"Arwen, can't we just talk it over-"

"Legolas, I can't help you. You need a professional doctor!"

"What?"

"You have mono! That's serious!"

Legolas gaped for a moment. "Mono?"

"Yeah, that's what Aragorn told me."

"Oh, Aragorn." Things began to fall into place for Legolas. "Did he tell you anything else?"

"Um, no?"Arwen looked confused. "So, do you have mono?"

"What? Oh, right." Legolas thougth about what he had just said. "No, I mean, it's gone. I'm better now."

Arwen raised an eyebrow.

"I took some pills, some mono pills." He tried to smile. "It wasn't that serious anyway. Just mini...mono. So I took some...mini...mono pills."

Arwen looked to be caught between confusion and bemusement. "Oh, then in that case, I guess you're all better?"

"Oh, yeah. Yeah, all better." Legolas looked around and saw Theoden still there with his camera. "So Theoden!" he said with false cheer. "Let's go talk about that yearbook thing, eh?" He hurried away with a highly confused Theoden.

---

Mithae walked into the building, looking for someone. She spotted her quarry and hurried over.

"Etrerlia?"

Etrerlia turned from the coffee maker to fine Mithae. "Oh, hello Mithae. Hey, how did you get in here? This is supposed to be employees only."

"That's not important," Mithae waved it aside. "Anyway, Legolas told me to come here. He said he left a message with you for me?"

"Oh right, that. Come with me." Etrerlia led the way back to her office. She rummaged around a drawer for a minute, and withdrew a small white envelope. She handed it to Mithae.

"Inside you'll find a check for twenty-five dollars, compliments of Mirkwood Accounting," Etrerlia said monotonously. She added, "It's the 'Giveaway' that Legolas insists on holding every month."

"Twenty-five dollars?" Mithae glanced at the envelope. "What can I do with twenty-five dollars?"

Etrerlia shrugged. "That's not my problem. You can go to the nearest clearance sale, or you can spend it all on pony stickers like Theoden did."

"Huh. Where is Legolas anyway?"

"Shut up in his office," Etrerlia said. She added under her breath, "Probably moping about Arwen."

Mithae sighed. "Legolas is such a tightwad. He lives in his own little world."

"Yeah, and it's called planet Arwen."

Mithae looked at her with raised eyebrows, "Oh?"

Etrerlia caught her look. "What?"

"You sure you're not sweet on anybody?" Mithae asked slyly.

"No!" Etrerlia said automatically. "I mean, yes I'm sure that I'm not!"

"Really?"

"All the guys out there are complete buffoons," she muttered. "Especially the blonde ones."

Mithae smiled to herself. "Don't worry, you'll find somebody."

"I don't want anybody," Etrerlia said darkly.

"And do you know why?"

"I don't care!"

"Because you have such a good attitude!" Mithae turned and walked to the door. She glanced back at Etrerlia, "Hey kid, don't let him get you down. You're worth more than any number of Legolases put together, and you should know it. Just let it go."

Etrerlia watched her leave. "Easy for you to say."

---

Legolas walked into Etrerlia's office later that day whistling cheerfully. He knocked, then went in and stopped short when he saw Etrerlia sitting at her desk with three packets of Ritz crackers and a tube of E-Z Cheez.

"Etrerlia, what are you doing?" he asked. "I thought I told you to type the intro to our annual report."

Etrerlia didn't even look up from glueing, or cheesing, a stack of crackers together. "Oh? That's weird, because I heard 'build Cheese-cracker City'." She stuck another cracker atop a wobbling pile of cheese and crackers.

"Etrerlia, I need that intro by today."

"Okay, okay." Etrerlia tossed the E-Z Cheez into a trashbin and turned to her computer and began typing away.

Legolas paced around behind her, pretending to be mindful of her work but really not watching what she was typing.

After a few seconds, he said, "I talked to Arwen earlier."

"Uh-huh." Etrerlia didn't sound interested. Legolas went on anyway.

"I found out that Aragorn didn't tell her." His voice was filled with self-satisfaction.

Etrerlia took a breath to keep herself from snapping at him.

"Instead," Legolas continued, "he tried to keep her away from me."

"Legolas," Etrerlia said, with forced patience and calm, "I don't really care."

"He didn't want Arwen to talk to me."

"Legolas..."

"Do you know why? Huh?"

"No," Etrerlia bit out. "I don't want to know."

Legolas seemed deaf to her words. "Because he sees me as a threat," he said smugly. "I'm a triple threat. I'm like a drunk driver talking on a cellphone during a hailstorm!"

Etrerlia tapped away at her keyboard, biting her tongue to keep from talking.

"You know that, Etrerlia?" Legolas seemed oblivious to the bad vibes she was giving off. "But I'll tell you this, Arwen is so blinded by her obsession with that idiot, she can't see that the perfect person is right in front of her. It drives me nuts! You know what I mean?"

Etrerlia bolted up from her chair. She froze for a moment, standing before Legolas. Her eyes were unreadable.

"Yes, Legolas," she said slowly and sadly, "I know exactly what you mean."

Legolas was still oblivious to the not-so-sublte hints she was giving to tell him to shut up. He glanced at the screen. "You're done?"

Etrerlia nodded, slowly. "Yeah. Just...just read it." She turned on her heel and left, slamming the door as usual.

Legolas sat down in her chair and began to read.

_The small business that is known as Mirkwood Accounting was started more than a year ago by Legolas Thranduillion, an avid businessman_

Here there were several spaces, and then the text skipped a line. Legolas frowned and scrolled down.

_...and he is so blinded by his obsession with a girl he can never get, he can't see that the perfect woman is right in front of him_.

Legolas's expression was one of confusion. He scrolled down again.

_It's Etrerlia, you idiot._

He stared at the screen, gaping slightly. He looked from the words to the door through which she had left.

Legolas sank back in the chair, and ran a hand through his hair. He continued to stare at the screen for a moment, then suddenly sprang up and ran out of the office looking for Etrerlia. He nearly bowled over Theoden along the way.

"Legolas!" Theoden said. "Hey, I was just heading over to the front desk for the pictures, and-"

"Not now Theoden, I'll be around later."

Theoden watched him run off, wondering what the hurry was about.

Legolas continued on at his hurried pace, and once again he nearly ran into someone. This time, it was Mithae.

"Legolas! Slow down, you nearly ran me over!"

"Mithae, what are you doing here?"

"Looking for you."

"Why?" Legolas asked. "Okay, that's not important. I'm in a rush, I need to find Etrerlia."

"Whoa, whoa," Mithae grabbed his sleeve and forced him to a halt. "I haven't seen you this hurried for ages. Now calm down, and tell me what happened."

He sighed in frustration, and calmed himself. "Okay," he said reluctantly. "It's like this. Etrerlia...Etrerlia told me she likes me."

"Oh, Eru, she did not!" Mithae threw up her hands and turned away, biting her nails.

"Mithae," Legolas said pleadingly, "you've got to help me! What am I supposed to do?"

Mithae glanced at him. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, Etrerlia and I have been friends for so long, and now this..." He fumbled for a word, and found none. "...this makes everything so difficult. It changes things."

Mithae scoffed this. "Huh, this changes _nothing_." She turned to face Legolas with a stern look. "For the past year you've been chasing after the wrong girl, and now finally you know that someone loves you the same way. And I'll tell you what, you _like_ the feeling."

"I do?" Legolas said flatly.

"Yes." Mithae looked at him carefully. "Now, you go and get things straight with Etrerlia." She gave him a slight push to get him going.

Mithae watched him amble away. She sighed. "I tried..." she murmured to herself.

---

Aragorn dashed into the reception area, looking for Arwen. She was, of course, behind the front desk.

"Arwen, we need to talk."

"Aragorn, what's wrong?"

The man took a deep breath. "Why were you talking with Legolas?"

Arwen looked at him incredulously. "Is there some law against me talking to him?"

"I thought I told you to stay away!"

"No, you said that he has mono," Arwen retorted. "Which, he does not! Aragorn, why did you lie to me?"

Aragorn sighed. "Arwen, tell me truthfully. Do you have feelings for him?"

"What?!" Arwen could not believe her ears.

At that moment, Theoden walked in with his camera, oblivious to the tension. "Hey folks, can we get a few pictures for the yearbook?"

He was ignored.

"Arwen, talk to me!" Aragorn said, half angry half pleading. "_Do you have feelings for Legolas?_"

"Aragorn, waht are you saying?" Arwen looked annoyed, confused, and also hurt.

"Arwen-"

Theoden broke in, "Uh, folks? I need to know, is this a good time or a bad time?"

Arwen gave him a glare, and he backed down. "Okay, bad time."

She turned back to Aragorn. "Aragorn, you know that you're the only one I care about."

"Oh?" Aragorn didn't seem to believe her. "Well, we'll talk about this again when you can answer me truthfully." He left abruptly.

Arwen looked after him with hurt in her eyes. But his question lingered. _Did_ she have feelings for Legolas?

She wasn't so sure.

Theoden stepped forward tentatively. "Pictures?"

Arwen sighed. "I need a phychologist."

Theoden set down his camera. "I've been told that I'm a good listener."

Arwen looked doubtful.

"I'll listen," Theoden prompted.

_(AN: Read the dialogue in the next part out loud for better results.)_

"Well, okay. See, it's this...friend, and..." Arwen sighed, and smiled ruefully. "Well, okay. It's me."

Theoden appeared thoughtful, and slightly puzzled. "Mee? Is she Korean?"

Arwen stared at him. "No! No, I'm talking about..." She thought better of it, and said instead, "Yes. Yes, she's Korean. She's in this relationship, and her boyfriend...Aragog, is apparently jealous of this other guy, L...ake." She paused, wondering if there had ever been such an awkward sentence.

"His name's Lake?"

"Yes, his name's Lake," Arwen said impatiently. "And now Aragog is questioning Mee, if she has feelings for Lake."

Theoden thought for a moment. "Well, does she?"

Arwen looked off into the distance. "Mee not sure."

"Hm. Well, I think that Mee should talk to Lake," Theoden said, "to see if she does."

There was silence as Arwen thought about this. "Yes...yes, that's a good idea!" She hurriedly got up and started to leave.

"Hey, where are you going?" Theoden cried. "What about the pictures?"

Arwen stopped briefly. "Oh, I'll come back for the pictures later. I'm going to...call Mee to tell her what you just said."

"Oh. Well, wish Mee luck."

"Er, yeah," Arwen said. "I will. Thanks!" She dashed off, intent on finding Legolas.

---

Legolas walked slowly through the building, thinking and pondering along the way, and finally arrived at his office. Etrerlia was pacing near his door. He hurried toward her. When she saw him, she turned and went into his office, shutting the door in his face.

Legolas stopped just before he collided with the door. Etrerlia clicked the lock.

"Etrerlia," he called. "Open the door."

"No."

"Etrerlia!"

"No!"

Legolas took a deep breath. "Okay, I guess we'll just have to talk loudly-" he raised his voice, "-like this so the whole building can hear. So, how long have you-"

The door opened abruptly, and Legolas found himself looking at an extremely annoyed, angered, and saddened Etrerlia. She turned and went to sit down in a chair in a corner of the room. Legolas let himself in and closed the door behind him.

"Look," Legolas said softly, "I know exactly how you feel."

"No you don't," Etrerlia replied, her head in her hands and her hair shielding her face. "I hate myself."

Legolas sighed. "Etrerlia, I'm so confused. I mean, since the day we met, you've done nothing but mock me, show disdain for me, and tell me how much of a dork I am. So, was that all just a cover for your real feelings?"

Etrerlia got up and looked at him. "No," she said. "Those _are_ my real feelings. I _do_ disdain you, and you _are _a dork." She threw up her hands. "Why do you think I hate myself?"

Legolas looked at a loss for what to say. He finally shrugged. "All along, I've been putting on _'The Legolas Show'_ for Arwen. And all that time, you've been watching backstage. This awkward, bumbling fool that I really am." He looked at Etrerlia uncertainly. "How can you like that guy?"

"Because of all that," she replied, her voice soft and gentle for once. "I mean, you're real and you're funny. And when we're together-" She paused, and her expression suddenly changed to one of impassiveness. She turned and opened the door. "Look, it's not your problem."

Legolas placed a hand on her arm to stop her. "Wait, Etrerlia. It _is_ my problem."

She turned around, and looked into his eyes. "Legolas, just let it go..."

He leaned closer.

"This is a mistake," Etrerlia whispered.

"I know..."

She closed her eyes, and let him kiss her. Long and sweet.

And that, was how Arwen found them as she approached. Her mouth dropped open.

Aragorn arrived just then, and took in the whole scene. "Arwen," he called softly, holding out his hand to her.

She ran to him, and they left together.

As they left, Mithae came looking for Legolas. She took one glance, and turned to leave again. "Why do I even bother?" she muttered to herself.

* * *

Ta...da? Pretty cheesy and stupid, but I'm looking for ways to bring this whole thing to a conclusion as it's really not going anywhere. So...yeah. 


End file.
